Thursday, March 29, 2012

march 29th, 2012

Just another day in Paradise as they say. Another yucky day at work!!! Hubby's solution "quit"! Thanks, but no thanks!!!! Trying hard not to hate hate hate my job. Keep wondering if it's me me me...that has the problem, or is what I am feeling universal at this place. I have been doing this kind of work most of my adult life....why is it now becoming so damn hard? Not only have I been doing this kind of work for what seems like an eternity, I have done all kinds of shifts, all kinds of groups, worked with several different agencies, been in multiple positions, juggled kids, school, gym, home, cleaning, having babies, 40 hours, 60 hours, per diem, three positions at once, three groups, individuals and mental health patients all at once.....why the heck is a 20 hour a week part time position giving me grief? I realize that the one thing that has been different over all of these jobs, is what made them work best for me was having my own authority. The comon theme about every position I have held is once someone has intruded upon my drive/direction tried to be my boss...I begin to hate it. Do I have a problem with authority? Looking back at most positions I have left, was because some boss/supervisor/ acting supervisor has always put me in a place where I just couldn't stand to be controlled. Many years ago I held this great position as a case manager, I did what needed to be done, came and went as I needed, had no over head, and once the company decided to give me a boss- I hated it and left. Took a position in a clinic where I had been for several years being quit successful. I changed to have better hours. Within weeks of dealing with my new boss, I was ready to go. Had an acting supervisor many years ago when I worked in a mental health house who would leave me what I would affectionatly call "hate" mail in my mail box with not only a list of instructions for the day, but a mile long bitch about what I was doing wrong...left there after about 1 month. Big issue was with my current company in a different department with my former supervisor...her micro-managing style had me so put off I went home crying/irritated/upset/ upset I left there too. Now here I am back with the same company...hopful that it was just this perticular women, only to find that the micro-managing cotinues. I realize that there are things that need to be done, we have accountability, but I struggle with prioritizing. What in this is REALLY important, and if whats really important is how to please the governing bodies and dotting my i's crossing my t's and NOT the quality of care I am delivering to my patients...then I dont know if I want to continue doing this. So is it me and my disrespect for authority (at least those that throw their weight around) or is it a deeper sense of whats right for the people I serve? Maybe I am simply lazy, or maybe I have this inner "i'm better then you" sence of self that gets in my way? I dont know....but I have got to find a place in this world of work that fits for me. The search continues....maybe I need to get into an entirely new line of work......I dont have an answer.

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