March 11, 2012

Another day has moved on by....whoosh, and we lost an hour to add insult. Why do we have this day light savings time anyways? My Saturday was busy, enjoyably so, but busy. We took the boys to Putt and Glow golf, then had the late but terribly fattening diner at Tully's, watched the movie Hugo and enjoyed bowling with friends. We got home after 12am (1am with the spring forward). I would say that for most of the day I was in peaceful happiness enjoying the time with family and friends. I knew that having what I had for dinner was not on any weight loss menu, but I hadn't eaten all day, I had even refused my hubbys gracious bialy breakfast gift. I didn't even force myself to shovel all of my dinner down there were still french fries and chicken strips left on my plate when the waitress took it away, I didn't eat anything else, I had lots of water, and for he most part I had been moving through out the day so I felt pretty okay with this splurch of a meal. i had been feeling pretty good about the whole week. It wasn't until at bowling as I was clicking my camera and my girl friend clicked a picture of me and I got a look, that I suddenly felt this incredible wave of disgust. Its not like I haven't seen pictures of myself, its not like I don't have a mirror at my home, but for whatever reason it was like the first time I really saw myself as a fat women. The scales read what they read, my cloths fit tightly, the tags read x-larger, I can't fit into last years pants, my thighs rub together, and if I move down the stairs quick enough in my PJ's my stomach claps.....I knew that I was/am fat, but that was the first time I ever saw myself as a BIG girl. Obease. Have I been that buried in denial, that I could be shocked at a picture of myself. What is this body dimorphic disorter thing I got happening? Did I really think that I looked thin or something? It didn't help that I was wearing sweat pants that gathered at the ankles and a sweat shirt that was just a little form fitting, I look a little like a fat sausage stuffed into it's casing. What the hell have I been telling myself for the last several years? Why didn't I stop this before it got to this point? It just really home. The rest of my evening became an issue, I lost it with my son, I stopped enjoying myself, and I barked at my hubby. It caused a miserable break in my pretty awsome day. I went to bed feeling like one big piece of poop. Still struggling to shake the feelings of disgust I have with myself. I have avoided the scales this morning. First responce to dealing with all of this is to eat nothing ever again and hit the gym for the whole day, or give in and eat everything not nailed down. Trying hard to give myself pep talks....You realize that your not healthy and you have made changes....big changes....your working at this...your not giving into eating, ......this is only week one, and you are doing this..you could be continuing to live in that denial and getting bigger as we speak. I know I am doing this, and it's the most progress I have made in a long time, I can't let this be a set back in how I was feeling about my progress. Yesterday before the picture viewing I was feeling pretty gosh darn good that in five days I had lost 7 stinken pounds. I can't throw the towel in, I can't give up!!!!!! Gonna view this day as a new one, only one way to go and that's forwards. As I enter week two of my change in bad habits, I will look forward to a new picture where I can smile and say, look at that amazingly beautiful healthy women.