Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Back for consistency....should I dare tell myself that I have made it to my blog for day two? Already done to bad. I thought about what I think I would like to write and decided that honestly who really reads this and have committed to writing this simply for myself. Not that I am being selfish and of course anyone who would like to view my blog has the prerogative to do so, but that I really think I need to have this space for me. The thing is, I am no one special, I have no great amazing hidden talent, I most definitely have no words of wisdom to share, I'm just me. I am instead; pretty average, lack in the talent department, and clearly short of wisdom. I am however, a soon to be 43 year old women who continues to yearn for something more then what I have allowed my 43 years to become. Now I am not going to get on some self pity poor me party, (I've already done that), there are after all, many things, (tons in fact) I do love about my life and if I think about them the whole idea that there is somehow something missing from my life seems absurd. I don't think I complain to much at least most people would be surprised to hear that I am lacking in the contentment department. I have a wonderful family an amazingly supportive husband, an abundance of  great friends, many hobbies, I am employed and as I noted yesterday, I only work 20 hrs a week, and got today off to enjoy my son's halloween parade. I am also one of the fortunate people who really does not HAVE to work. I have a side business; CTMH that keeps me in my addiction to scrapbooking, and with that business I have met and enjoyed so many truly talented and fun women that I consider like sisters. I have two older children who have somehow someway by the grace of God, found the right road and have very promising futures. I have the wealth of my education and experience, the opportunity to return to school, the finances to afford most things; at least we have never gone without, and incredibly giving  parents if we do. I have a nice assortment of interests; crafting, True Blood, girls night, the theater, games with the kids, reading, taking fun classes-like cake decorating, couponing and saving money, facebook, traveling and wishing I could travel more.( I am sure there is more) I am for the most part and really should be a happy women. When it is all spelled out in black and white I feel pretty pathetic in the fact that there really is something missing from what I need to make me whole. Perhaps that is where the drive falls short. I mentioned yesterday that I am a hurry up and run kind of gal. I get all pumped up in one area of my life with the thought that somehow this plan or goal will be the thing that will change my life. This week it happens to be working on yet another blog and I have considered yet again the importance of loosing weight and getting healthy.  My husband tells me all the time that I need to stop searching for the answer in something, but look in me instead. He is a shrink after all, maybe he really does know a little something about this. For a long time I thought my dissatisfaction came when I got laid off from my job, loss my big income, loss my sense of security and purpose, but my ever analytic hubby remind me all the time that I wasn't exactly happy then either. I guess I have to ask myself am I really going to be happy if I get that license, loose all the weight, find that big dollar job, get a new hairdo, have the perfect house/car/family whatever?  Well probably not. Trying to fix my emptiness with yet another weight loss plan, a new job, another class at the local craft store, painting my bedroom, returning to graduate school, taking a workshop, volunteering my time, writing a blog, taking up running, stopping nicotine use, making another to do list, scheduling my day, buying a new outfit, buying a bike, cleaning my house or whatever may make me happy for the moment but that moment never lasts. I end up quitting the pursuit, the plan ceases or sometimes I get to the goal and I look around and there I am what. Why start the plan if the outcome is going to be the same. Look at that, now I am even more confused. If I strip away the goals, I am not sure what I might do with myself. Maybe I need to stick with the goal, commit to something and perhaps I will see that there is an end to my means, or maybe I need to stop defining the objective as happiness. When I develop a treatment plan with a client, I never have the long or short term goal to include "be happy". Productive/free of complications from/ management of  perhaps, but NEVER happy, the goal would be unmeasurable and never met. Maybe I should develop my own treatment plan? I think I just might. Wow!!!! Not sure if I gained any insight, think I might have to sit onit for awhile. But I do have to get ready for my son's Parade and prepare for the Halloween evening festivities. TTFN   

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Todays blog is point in fact, that I fail miserably at consistency. (Note the last time I wrote anything here) Which may be perhaps my biggest defect! I am and always have been quiet good in the beginning of all things I set my mind out to do. I just don't seem to do all that well at continuing. The last time I told myself that I was going to commit to my blog, I honestly and truly had all the most good intention to do so. Like many thing in my life I take off running. There I goooooooooooooo, then suddenly STOP. I don't even give myself a day of reprieve and start back on that road towards my goal, but utterly and completely just STOP! Then, I'll get that little nag in myself to start once again at whatever plan, deal, promise, musts, have to's, need to's to do and begin that race all over again, only never to reach the finish line. So what has "shot the gun" this time?
Well nothing really has happened. Life has not delivered me some terrible must change news. In fact life has been pretty much going smooth. I have found a way to simply accept my job and stop bitchen about it. I am trying to embrace the position and relish in the positives of the whole thing; I only work 20 hours a week. I arrive at least an hour after everyone else, and I leave sometimes three hours before they do. Is there more pressure to get the work done; yes, but I do my best work under pressure and one good thing about doing the same thing for 15 damn years, you can pretty much do it in your sleep. I have let go of trying to define who I am around what I do. Am I 100% free of that vice, well no and I might just be feeding myself some line of bullshit right now, but I do know that it has no longer taken over my entire existence.  Although I may accept where I am in my professional life right now, I did not say that I am ready to make this job be the end of my career choice. I still and have dabbled in, for more years then I care to admit the idea of returning to school, getting my license and returning to a career in mental health. I have also expressed an idea of returning to school and changing my career field all together. Each day I change my mind.
I did commit to some volunteer work with the local domestic violence and abuse clinic. I currently volunteer every 1st and 3'd Monday of the month to answering crisis calls. I used the word commit, wow! To be terribly honest after being forgotten on a agency email about a change in a meeting time, only to show up and the event canceled, I  DID think about "slipping" out of this so called commitment out of anger, but wisely decided against it still bitter that I had driven 25 min in rush hour traffic and back another 25, in addition  unable to attend the re-scheduled meeting due to my last minute awareness of the change. I currently am sustaining my commitment to this, after all I enjoy what I am doing there and I really do what to help. 
These thing never seem to take the direction I had planned. I had wanted to commit to a discussion around why I need to address my inability to commit, and here I am, on a detour and the time is telling me that my best route for the evening is off to bed. I also really wanted to write that I do hear the "gun". The on your mark, get set and goooo is here and although life may be going smoothly I know deep in myself that I cannot live with acceptance of self any longer and I need to make my move. I just have to find a way to make the commitment to being consistent. ttfn