Friday, December 31, 2010
Reflecting back on 2010 as I enter a New Year: Last year I was in such a different place, I wouldn't say a better place, or a less fortunate place, just a different place. I recall that I intentionally decided that I would not make any resolutions for 2010, and for the most part, I lived up to that. My thought process at the time was that I never seem to meet those outrageous goals I set for myself on the EVE of December 31st, so why put so much pressure on myself? Thing is I think we all have to have some goals for our lives, otherwise we just surrender to what is. Although I am a firm believer in acceptance, I accept that there are things out of my control but I have taken on so much acceptance over the last year, that I have simply accepted that this is the way things are. I have surrendered to the acceptance that things will not change, and I might as well just get used to it instead of making a change in myself to do what needs to be done. I do not know where/when I became so complacent but I am not where I want to be in my life right now, and so the resolutions need to start now. #1. I will no longer feel or act as if I sleep, eat, and work. My job does not define me. I will no longer look to people who cannot provide me with self worth as a measuring tool of my value. If I am dissatisfied with my job, then I must make it work to my benefit or look elsewhere. #2. I will take time out for what brings me pleasure. I only have me for the rest of my life, why should I short change what I find to be important for others? I will not feel guilty if I take my full hour lunch, I will give myself the freedom to enjoy my scrapping, take trips, spend time with family and friends, make time to do what I want to do, and be okay with the decision to do so. #3. I will not be fearful. I will no longer be intimidated by what others think of me. More so I will not project what I believe others will think of me. My fear has had such a tight chock hold over me this past year that I have been suffocating and dying inside. I have missed opportunities to voice my opinion, take a stand, stiffened my spirit. I am drowning in my fear. #4. I will take care of myself. I have been ill more times this past year then I have ever been in my entire life. I have gained more weight in this last year, for the exception of pregnancy, then I have in my entire life. I have been more lazy and felt more non-productive then I have ever in my whole life. I need to take care of myself or I'm not gonna have a life. This means I need to get to medical appointments, get to the gym, eat better, and not fall into the couch once I get home from work. It MEANS balance. #5. I will be more available to my family and friends. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met. He has and will support my craziest plans. I have four great kids, that i love with all my heart. I have some of the most wonderful friends. I have not been the best wife to this man, and I have been an absent parent to my kids, giving them the bare minimum of my attention. Some of my bestest friends I have not seen or spoken with since last year. In 2011 I will let then all know just how important they are to me. #6. I will be attentive to my finances. In 2011 i will be aware of where my money goes and just how much I spend. No more denial. This defect of character has haunted me for way to many years. I must learn to be accountable for my role in where the money goes. #7. I will get my CTMH business up and running again. Not having enough time is no longer an excuse. I had all the time in the world last Jan. Feb. March, and April...what was my excuse back then? #8. I will continue to further my awareness and education. I have postpone obtaining my license feeling that if the NY state insurance companies will not recognize it, then why bother. But I need to finaliuze that part of my degree. I need to get my license. I also need to sustain my certification, and continue to be aware of new ideas in my field. #9. I will do what I say I am going to do. No more indifference. I have waffelled in my decisions about this or that for so long that I can't seem to make a decision. In 2011 when I say it I will mean it. #10. I will give myself permission to fail. I have not always taken a risk, or gone the extra mile or even made resolutions out of the fear of failure. I recognize this is a long list, and I probally wont meet all of the expectations on it all of the time, and that is okay. I will allow myself to make a mistake and give myself permission to move on.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
So I came back from CTMH convention ready to GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Just as the last, I was out the gate in the lead and runnen fast!!! Had a plan...yep that is right...that was going to be me up on that stage next year in California....and I was absolutely going to WIN that trip to Hawaii. I was in the lead pushing up on the wire, spent the entire ride back from DC planning, developing in my mind, calculating the figures, jotting down sketches, planning party dates months in advance, ....the Ultimate plan, then once that pretty new gold and green bag hit the livingroom floor...the race was over. I looked around and NO I was not in first, I wasn't even a close 2nd.....there I was no longer in the RACE!!! So I am trying to get back in the running. Decided that although it would be nice to be on that CTMH stage, and who wouldn't want a trip to Hawaii, I need to stop doing this to myself. Although I'd like to think of myself as a Thoroughbred, breed with speed and expertise, I have to get real and admit that I do my worst when I set the bar to high. Now, that does not mean that I have no goals, I just need not shoot for the moon. So I have started a new approach....slow and steady wins the race...just ask the tortoise....for the hare lost the run. I have begun my race with initially getting my status from jr to consultant...yeah...now I am back in wit the big boys, and although I was discouraged that two big parties that we planned backed out...I did have one successful party, meet with my upline and developed a realistic plan, and look forward to my very first ever hostess party where I do not have one of my dear friends there to hold my hand. Ok...maybe look forward is not the right word....as I am terrified...but I am hopeful. So as I step into another chapter of my life...i will read slow, and consume the dialect pace myself and take each step in stride....perhaps maybe I still will be on that stage in California next summer.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Well, it has been awhile since I have posted anything and perhaps even longer that I have been awake at 4am to have the time to post anything. In May I was unemployed and feeling; shall we say...... useless in that capacity...and desperate to find employment...Now in August, fully employed, I am feeling the sour grapes of my unemployed poor me's as I daily question the DREAD of dragging myself off to a job, that has proven to lack the luster that called to me on those days with desperation in my eyes, the terms of acceptance to most anything dished out and the same pain of "uselessness" I was so determined to escape. Now I find myself longing the time to be creative, go to the gym, spend an entire day playing with the kids, getting healthy, etc. I kick myself, that I recall in those last few months of unemployed woes...how much time was spent...feeling sorry for myself, playing hours upon hours on facebook, looking hopelessly at the piles of laundry that should have been done or the weekly schedules planned weeks in advance to attend to a gym routine never to unfold....and I remember that I thought just finding a job would answer all of my prayers, that somehow I would again feel satisfied. Still unsatisfied....perhaps less depressed, but certainly not satisfied.... I wonder......is it....that I can never be satisfied .....right where I am?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
what a busy weekend...This was my son's camporee for scouts. he was the only tiger in his pack to go on this EVERYTHING boy scouts weekend. Needless to say it was COLD, COLD, COLD...and no, I am not a boy scout and neither is my husband...so we were not BOY SCOUT prepared for the harsh environment...we didn't even have plates,cups or sliver wear to eat with. We did survive just the same...but well noted for future reference...warmer clothing, warmer sleeping bags and a mess kit is a must. We did have a state of the art tent...and I had to bring my full sized air mattress. When searching for a pump (which we did forget) I was told..."This isn't the GIRL SCOUTS..we sleep on the ground." again duly noted for future reference (MAKE SURE AIR PUMP IS IN SUPPLIES). The boys had a great time despite the cold, there was archery, bb shoot, monkey bridge, bottle rocket launch, a band, fireworks, and a whole host of activities. We had a really great time.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Enjoyed a few days away from the ho hum and visited my college roomie over spring break. I hadn't realized that five years had past since the last time we enjoyed each others company, so the visit was a real joy. She resides in MA, just a short distance from Salem and Boston, so we were able to spend a few days at these areas. Salem was enjoyable. I did not realize how EXTREME the witch trails really were. I suppose that I just remembered the plays about this tragic history in like the fifth grade and truly miminized the severity of how three young girls could stir a black hole of unnecessary loss. Boston, although I have been there several times in the past, was also a joy...I enjoyed the swan rides, the beautiful gardens, the busy market place, and my son was able to participate in a street show, but BOSTON needs to establish a PUBLIC restroom policy....finding a toilet was a nightmare, and who would have thought that there would be so MANY people? We did enjoy the massive history that Boston has to offer and learned a lot. I am anticipating an all day scrap on Sat. and it looks like I will have a ton of pictures to scrap!!!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
As I was thumbing through ...I'd like to visit websites.... I came across a website exploring the idea of a bucket list..so I followed the link and thought that perhaps it would be fun to start my own bucket list. There are certainly many things that I would like to do before I die, and several that were on the example list that I have considered as well as have completed I just never really sat down and made a list of things I would like to do before I leave this earth. So I thought it would be fun to make a list...and scrapbook it. I plan to start my list first...and see if there are any that I have done...and any that I could do again...like enjoy a sunset/rise was on several of the example lists.....Now I have done that....most of us have.....but maybe do it with more thought. Another was build a snowman or catch fireflies...again I have done that, but when was the last time I truly enjoyed those simple things... OF course I have my BIG things as well....like visit Italy or ride a camel in the egyptain desert...but I think that a bucket list could have daily events too. Like snuggle with your child, or tell a friend how much you care about them, make friends with a stranger, help someone else out, give of my time. I don't think that the idea of a bucket list is to see how far you can go or live in the etreem....but more to live in the NOW and to the fullest....I'm off to start my bucket list....
Monday, March 22, 2010
These last few weeks have been so busy. Last weekend we enjoyed a church carnival, A friends bowling party, the folk march and Alice In Wonderland 3D. This weekend I was able to slip away Friday evening and enjoy a CROP. Sat was all about the cub scouts as we enjoyed a pancake breakfast, a tour about Maple syrup and later that evening 2nd row seats for the Syracuse Crunch Hockey Game. I was able to do a few layouts Friday so here they are.
Monday, March 8, 2010
While I was looking for directions on making the flip flap mini album to demo for my girl friends in a few weeks..I came across these adorable and EASY, Easter Baskets. I made six of them one for each of the girls..the pattern can be found on the splitcoast stampers website. This site is an great resource for anyone looking for ideas. I used Veranda creative basics and paper flowers for accents. Now I just have to add the grass and goodies. FUN and easy project to do for the spring Holiday. I did some additional layouts this weekend at my uplines home on Sat. but left them at her house...so no new pictures at this time of layouts. Weekend was busy...we enjoyed the YMCA on Friday evening then we watched the movie 2012, I am not good with those....This could really happen movies...and my nails are a little shorter since. Saturday we enjoyed the out of season warmth as well as a local church carnival. I spent Sat. afternoon at my uplines home scrapping, and Sat night in my jammies with the girls playing the wii for GIRLS NIGHT OUT. Sunday was much more low key...after church service I got a little creative and made my Easter baskets...and enjoyed my family. When I look at how busy just my weekend was.....it's easy to see why I say....it's Monday again...already?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I started the Scrapbook challenges at least a year ago, and never kept up with it...now I don't know where or what the pages I have done are, so I re-started, and here is #3... ASPEN paper pack, and the snow is added with LIQUID APPLIQUE and a heating tool to make it look like snow. The challenge; Cherish "NOW and THEN" p. 100-101
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
gonna make a quick note this am, as Wed is the only day I work in the morning. I find it much more difficult to drag myself off to work now a days.... one would think that I would be so excited to have some work to go to, but this part time here or there hours really make wanting to go to work a drag...I feel like it inturupts my day...Anyway...although I did not work yesterday I do have to make my weekly presence with my supervisor, it takes me about 30 minutes to drive into town and 10 minutes meeting with him. this gig has me feeling like the unwanted step child. At current, I have only worked one hour in the last three weeks. My Wednesday gig is every wed. and I always have hours. After many weeks of stressen over this....I finally surrendered and decided well maybe I should just be where I am with my unemployment situation, and one political power has decided that NOW would be a good time to decline the unemployment bill....THANKS!!!! So here I am again, seriously thinking McDonalds shift!!!! Who would have thunked after six years of higher education, ten years of specific credentialing, and over ten years in the field...I'd be sitting here without a full time job. So I guess Wed. will continue to be my Monday for the time being. Cross fingers, keep calling, keep sending out resumes, pray....that somehow all of this will work out...although I do have Micky D experience (over 20 years ago) I have to say that was one of my past jobs....I would perfer not to return to.
Monday, March 1, 2010
about 8 minutes later.....Okay so i was not anywhere near what I had planned for meditating, but I do it, and I am sure that each time will be more focused. I am feeling pretty calm and relaxed just the same. I just found that while I was meditating I was focused on so many ways that it just would not work....the dog didn't know what to do with me and after a few laps around my lap, he finally found a soft spot to lay down, whew.....then I noticed the humming of the computer which brought my thoughts to my husbands anger earlier about the computer being on all night....push it away can't undo the past...I then found myself forcing it...just stop it already visualize for goodness sake....where am I??? Oh yeah I'm here in my livingroom attempting to meditate...NO NO NO....I am in a green field....I took several redirective breaths....focus, repeat meditate, meditate, meditate...green field, warm breeze, flower smells. Finally I just sat..eyes closed, darkness surrounding me, house sounds, car driving by, furnace turning on, no forced anything I just allowed what was...to be, no judgements, just let it go. WOOSH!!! Perhaps that is what meditating is all about, not some supernatural out of body experience that promices to bring infinate wisdom. Perhaps meditating is just simply being.
Okay...so I have officially have begun....Wendy's new way of living. I started off this am, doing some journaling. Easy enough, then I read from two different inspirational daily readings. Interesting that they both mentioned Meditation. I have never been one to just sit. Prolonged meetings, lectures and even waiting at a Dr. appointment has me a wreck....I find myself stirring in my seat, fidigeting, crossing and uncrossing my legs, doodling, giving heavy YOU CAN TELL I've had enough sighs and even pacing if given the option. So the idea of meditating seems extremly foregin to me. In my profession...I have been taught how to lead others into a state of relaxation, and I do this well...I have even taken my own counselor wellness courses to assist in my own stress reduction, and when I think about prayer I realize there is a part of meditation needed. I recognize the value and the benefits of meditation. Thing is..... I just can't seem to do it. I strongly believe that things happen for a reason....therefore two readings referencing meditation has to mean something. Today I will attempt to meditate....I will just sit in stillness, appriciate the calm and quiet, attempt to block out any intrusive thoughts that may develop and bring myself back to this state of one within myself. PEACE, SERENITY......imagine that. Start small, and I have been told that there is no wrong way to do this, if thoughts wonder...then that's okay I will simple blow them away and focus on the calm. Feel the floor under my feet, the hardness of the chair against my back, listen to the silence and the slow pace of my shallow breathing, breath deep I smell the familular sent of home bringing me a sense of safety and love, I will gaze into the darkness of my minds eye, perhaps there is some light....my mind will drift into a state of comfort and assurance that all things will be as ment to be, time will become non existant I will not feel rushed, I hear the dryer buzzer...and I briefly question if I remember to wash the blouse I plan to wear later today..........I divert.....breathe a little heavier now....bring myself back...I say to the air more then to myself....Everything is what it shall be...all is okay. I am back again...I attempt to visualize an open pasture a warm breeze blows across my face, the smell of wildflowers tickle my nose, I hear the rustle of weeds being blown in a calming rythym. I sense the warm sun beating upon my face and embrace it's arms. I breathe again, feeling as if I am truly there in the sun, in the field, smelling the smells, engulfed in the serenity of it all. I am one with all things, no question of where my life SHOULD be, as I am right where I need to be!!! I have no doubts, no fears, all is welcomed, I can be authentic to myself, I can be me!!!! That was fun......feeling pretty confident now....... I 'll let you know how it all works out later!!!!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I really enjoyed Jeanette Lynton's blog on taking care of self. I have not of late been very good with that part of my life. I find that with most projects...lifestyle changes..or whatever...I fall flat after just a short period of time. I was inspired yesterday after watching a segment on fit tv. I tend to flip the channel's frequently (what did I do when we had to get up and change the channel?) and I was caught by a lovely woman who was telling her story of obesity. She wasn't someone who had fought for years to loose this termendious amount of weight, she was just a woman who recognized that she could not continue to live her life overweight any longer. I suppose I was inspired because I could relate. I find that when I see these stories of these people who have to loose 100+ pounds are unrealistic for me....those cases are extreem.....I am not looking at an extreem situation. Do I need to loose weight? Absolutely...but do I need to loose 100's of pounds..no. So I guess this story really caught me, because her story was real to me. She started off small, she put daily activities into her life, walking, doing, moving...and with her persistance and 5 years later she is now running marathons and looks GREAT. Of course I would like to have things immediately, but I felt her 5 year dedication gave me permission to take up to five years or even more if I needed. I have this I need it now attitude that has in so many aspects of my life sabatoged my progress. I work out a week or so, eat nothing but greens for a few days and feel discouraged when I get on the scales and have lost nothing. This pattern of needing quick results has crept into many areas of my life and I often give up. I look at the last year...After my layoff I was all about taking care of my home, my kids, myself...and yes I started out very committed.. I was cleaning up, organizing, had begun home projects, but soon quick and the house again fell short. My participation with my kids began with an active member of the PTO, attending every school function, doing fund raising...becoming my son's scout leader....I was all on that, but soon found that I was disinterested and frusterated with the whole business. I had begun a gym routine that I was strict with, daily YMCA routines, restricted diets, I attended self support groups, read up on taking care of myself, meditation, and writing down my thoughts were a part of my day....and then like everything else i just stopped. I could go on and on with these patterns in my life...my CTMH business, my marriage, my careers, my relationships with others.....Just about everything in my life has begun with a go for the gold only to give up should I find I'm falling into second place. gotta think a bit about this.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Okay...so for the most part....since my lay off in August, I have not taken any real time away, additionally, there has not been one snow day for the kids school yet this year....So what happens...Got a trip planned...all packed, ready to go and DUMP....we get hit with the biggest snow dump we've had all season. My daughter can't even enjoy the fact that there is no school today, my son is just grateful he can play the wii... I am most certainly disappointed... and if I was that same CRAZY girl I was 15 years ago...I may just take the trip anyways...but I am a more careful mother who is not willing to run the risk of killing myself and two of my children...just so we can take a little time away. Making the best of the situation...I plan on scrapbooking, cleaning, and this free's up the weekend for the many events that we were going to miss. Besides...Boston and Salem...have got to be much more exciting in the spring...and perhaps my hubby will be able to take off some work and join us should we go in the future......
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
My springtime layout is wishful thinking....Spring seems so far away as I glance out into that cold upstate NY snow...so I pulled out a few layouts that I made awhile back that reminded me of warmer weather....Here they go. Weekend was busy...Enjoyed the Black Belt Spectacular that my Step son participated in. Ben rocks!!! Also had a visit from my MIL and enjoyed a few to many meals out. Sat. night was date night for me and the hubby and we enjoyed the local cover band One Hard Krank. Sunday I was blessed to witness two of my friends be baptised and make a commitment to God. Extremely enjoyable weekend. Next weekend should be as busy...I am taking a small vacation to visit my college roommate in MA on Thursday....I can't wait. talking two of the four kids and visiting Salem and perhaps Boston.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The left picture is a flip flap album I made at a Unit Workshop awhile back...I added the embellishments and pictures of our last trip to Vegas...we went with my mother in law, I am planning on giving it to her today...The cover picture was from our hotel room...what a view. The right side picture is using one of the discontinued CTMH acrylic stamps. I played with several sets that I have not used very often. Enjoy
Good Morning and TGIF!!!!! Had a wonderful day with a few good friends yesterday scrapbooking. I did not get as much done as I had hoped but I did put some pictures in some layouts I already made, played with some stamps, and made these two cards. I suppose the best part of my open crop was spending time with my friends...it amazing how busy we all get. Years ago we all meet twice a month, we'd make dinner and let the kids play...now if were lucky we see each other every few months. So it was nice to get together. Weekend is busy...as always. It's all about Karate. My step son Ben is working on his black belt.. and this weekend is the finale. Tonight my MIL is joining us to watch Ben do his thing in the small arena and tomorrow kicks off the GRAND FINAL and dinner with the families. We also have plans to hit up a friends 40th birthday party...and spend the later part of the night (child free) at a local tavern enjoying the band One Hard Crank. Sunday...should I be able to move after the long busy Sat. I will be in the presence of watching my dear friends Sandy and Danny being baptised. And perhaps after the church service has completed....I can once again pull out the crafting supplies and get creative...however, as i glance around this house...I am thinking that at some point during all of this business I really do need to clean...bummer. Well here's my latest creation....the second card is using Color me Monday- Jeanette Lynton. Enjoy!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I have successfully worked on some project every day since Monday, and I have some gf coming over today to spend the entire day scrapping. WOW!!! Here is Top Stitch WOTG scrapbooking layouts. I also did one card from this WS and 1 color me Monday card using Jeanette Lyntons color combo for this week.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Although I do not have a project to show, I did do several cards yesterday, and I started one of the Workshops on the Go. Hopeful to at least have one of those pages done today. I do have to work today. Surprised that I am not thrilled to go to work. Maybe it's because the kids are on vacation this week, but it may also be because I have been inspired to create, and I really want to play. i am having some friends over tomorrow for an all day open crop, I unfortunately feel I do not get as much done as when I am solo, but the company is GREAT!!! Well off to work...have all good intentions of posting at least one project before night falls. TTFN!!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
As planned, I did accomplish most of what I had set out to do yesterday. The kids are off from school this week, so I took my youngest to the MOST- Science Center here in Syracuse. They have a new Flight and Space exhibit. We also enjoyed the IMAX- Take Flight, and rode on the simulator. All things in the air. We are planning our family vacation around the 2010 CTMH Convention and it was neat to prep Gavin for the Air and Space museum in DC. later in the day I was able to squeeze in two card projects using the Veranda Basics and Butterfly wings acrylic stamps(all CTMH). I even made it to the gym with my girlfriends and did a little Zumba. Here's some Pics.