March 31st-

I am taking this from It's Just me, Drazil and Sheniqua's blog BYOC (bring your own crazy)- I tried to figure out how to link with this, but I am a computer moron. But here is what I got.

1. Do I believe in God? Absolutely! I was brought up by a hippy loven care-free momma who brought me to a Unitarian Society, I was never baptised as a child so when my 1st born was to be baptised and I couldn't attend because I hadn't been baptised...I got baptised with him; Russian Orthodox, I brought my elder children to that same Unitarian Society, married a "no longer" Jewish man, left the society when the pastor passed away and I began to feel the need for some spiritual guidance (lacking at the Unitarian (church). I tried several Church's, tended to favor Baptist. Today, I believe in God, I do not quite understand fully his wonder and I am not as committed to learning and believing as I would like to be. I still have questions. I do believe that there has to be someone; whom I choose to believe is God take has guided me on my path of life.

If considered socially acceptable would I stop shaving/waxing? In a heart beat, I hate shaving. But I think after awhile, when I start to look like a gorilla, I'd start shaving anyway.

How often do I weigh myself? Almost daily, gotta be naked preferably after using the toilet!( All ounces count).

When was the last time I admitted I was wrong? I don't struggle with this one, except when it is a stand off with the hubby. I'll admit when I'm wrong.....when or IF that ever happens.

How was my week? Well, if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know....It wasn't that great except for Monday...and I wasn't working. Now I'm wishing I won the mega millions and that the boys (including hubby) wanted to do anything but play x-box and watch TV....why does the weather have to be so cold? I was really looking forward to taking a hike or something today outdoors. took the dog for a walk and realized that the sun peeking out is only a smoke screen, It's really chilly....Maybe I will do some crafting. My girlfriend sent out graduation announcements for her son and paid some outrageous amount for the invites. Guess I could pull off my own and host a little gala for my big boys grad, maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll host a game night this pm...so I'm not feeling TOTALLY sluggish, or maybe, just maybe I'll Nestle down with the hubby and watch The girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

March 30th, 2012

Found a few layouts that I don't think I have posted. Here we are at the SU football game this winter.

In just two days my first born will be 19 years old!!!! Just when did all that happen? I can't believe how fast time flies. My oldest has the had the blessing or the curse of being through the thick and the thin of my crazy/trying to figure this whole thing out adult life. He was there when I crossed the stage to receive my Baccalaureate degree. He was there through the problems with his father, he was there when we moved about a dozen times, he was there through my endless bad romances (ok, so minus his dad, there were only two). My first born was for a long time the man of my life, the only man that I really could count on and he was a little boy. I guess that is why he has become the amazing, introspective, creative, charming and empathic young adult he is today. Once I didn't think that he would make it to his 19th birthday...either I was gonna kill him or he was gonna make some bad decision. He didn't and I didn't and somehow he made it! I often complain about my kids, throw my hands up in the air, kneel down to pray for my kids, but I have always loved them and having my eldest hitting the ripe old age of 19! I feel proud to say that he is mine! Of course I am not proud to say I'm old enough to have a 19 year old!!! Happy just the same that he has made it through the tough times (although I know there will be more) and he has become a responsible young man. As for the rest of them, well...I guess I will keep praying, complaining, worring, and throwing my hand in the air.

Enough about my kids.....I have my own issues..work (no new answers with that), weight, (up three pounds....so much for my loosing 20 total by yesterday, back on track today), Money ( I haven't been discussing this topic unless it was on how I have saved it, in awhile....but it always seems to creep back in as a painful topic). Thinking I was doing well, I was shocked to find so little in my bank account....we've been in worst situations, I havent bounced a check and I am not overdrawn (YEAH!!!) I just thought I had more then I do. Needing to get my son a nice financial birthday gift, still haven't put the $ down for vacation, I was hoping for a little more wiggle room this week, so that I could do both. Doesn't look like it will happen. I have been in situations where I have absolutly NO money until next payday, which is not the case, but I certainly do not have enough to give healthy cash sum to my oldest and pay for vacation and have enough for the rest of the week until payday. Just to fill my gas tank is gonna cost me $50- and I need gas even with .70 cents off a gallon. We also need a few little things around here like milk, bread etc. When these things come up it makes me hate my job all the more...and think, maybe I should be working full time...then maybe I would have more in my account, but if I had to deal with that place for 40 hours a week I dont know what I'd do. I guess I just have to make things work....

so he'll get a cake and pizza, and then maybe later in the week I can give him a nice chunk of change. Still gotta put some $ down on the vacation or were definately not gonna go. I'd hate to see that happen.

march 29th, 2012

Just another day in Paradise as they say. Another yucky day at work!!! Hubby's solution "quit"! Thanks, but no thanks!!!! Trying hard not to hate hate hate my job. Keep wondering if it's me me me...that has the problem, or is what I am feeling universal at this place. I have been doing this kind of work most of my adult life....why is it now becoming so damn hard? Not only have I been doing this kind of work for what seems like an eternity, I have done all kinds of shifts, all kinds of groups, worked with several different agencies, been in multiple positions, juggled kids, school, gym, home, cleaning, having babies, 40 hours, 60 hours, per diem, three positions at once, three groups, individuals and mental health patients all at once.....why the heck is a 20 hour a week part time position giving me grief? I realize that the one thing that has been different over all of these jobs, is what made them work best for me was having my own authority. The comon theme about every position I have held is once someone has intruded upon my drive/direction tried to be my boss...I begin to hate it. Do I have a problem with authority? Looking back at most positions I have left, was because some boss/supervisor/ acting supervisor has always put me in a place where I just couldn't stand to be controlled. Many years ago I held this great position as a case manager, I did what needed to be done, came and went as I needed, had no over head, and once the company decided to give me a boss- I hated it and left. Took a position in a clinic where I had been for several years being quit successful. I changed to have better hours. Within weeks of dealing with my new boss, I was ready to go. Had an acting supervisor many years ago when I worked in a mental health house who would leave me what I would affectionatly call "hate" mail in my mail box with not only a list of instructions for the day, but a mile long bitch about what I was doing wrong...left there after about 1 month. Big issue was with my current company in a different department with my former supervisor...her micro-managing style had me so put off I went home crying/irritated/upset/hurt.....so upset I left there too. Now here I am back with the same company...hopful that it was just this perticular women, only to find that the micro-managing cotinues. I realize that there are things that need to be done, we have accountability, but I struggle with prioritizing. What in this is REALLY important, and if whats really important is how to please the governing bodies and dotting my i's crossing my t's and NOT the quality of care I am delivering to my patients...then I dont know if I want to continue doing this. So is it me and my disrespect for authority (at least those that throw their weight around) or is it a deeper sense of whats right for the people I serve? Maybe I am simply lazy, or maybe I have this inner "i'm better then you" sence of self that gets in my way? I dont know....but I have got to find a place in this world of work that fits for me. The search continues....maybe I need to get into an entirely new line of work......I dont have an answer.

March 28th 2012

Good Morning- This blog thing has become a habit that I attack every morning. Just wish I could get in good with some other habits; like getting to the gym, following through with my healthy intentions etc. Went into work with all kinds of good intentions.....Hardest one to have is keeping it in the positive....as usual that didn't last long. I was fine until my group started increasing by the second. Yeah!!! Over the weekend my group multiplied. We have this very foolish system where as people are placed into your group based upon a list that either reads open or closed. Last week I was rested heavy on maybe room for one more. Our cap (according to NY state) is 15 people. Which quite honestly is to many people to have a truly successful group in the first place; but I suppose they consider call ins, and no shows leaving a group with a healthy average of 10 per group. As I mentioned we have this stupid system where as I (as the group leader) needs to maintain an active role in monitoring my list so as the group does not tap out over 15. Well I came back to work yesterday, having not monitored (as I still did have room) and SIX, yes SIX people were added to my group. So now I have 20- maybe 21 I really am not totally positive on that number. I am in the smallest group room we have in the building and usually find myself standing when we have 14 people, I work the least amount of hours per week. 20 total. And now I fond myself accountable for 20 people. Something in this system is just not working...wouldn't you say. So instead of working on the stuff I need to take care of yesterday I am struggling to quick push out anyone currently in my group who may be about ready to move on to a lower level of care. I have a few people who need to move I was able to prep five, but as I mentioned before, transfering people from my group always seem to hit road blocks. So needless to say, I am so not looking forwards to what this day might bring. If everyone comes to group.....I am screwed. These are the days when I think what the hell am I doing here? Part time work is suppose to be just that- part time. Why do I feel I am trying to do a 40 hour a week job in 20 hours.....OH! Yeah, that would be because I am doing a 40 hour week job in 20 hours. Thinking of requesting four more hours, but thats not fair!!!! I was hired for 20!!!! And yes I have been able to make it work- cauz I'm a crazy person!!!! But in all reality this job without the extra six people in the group demands more hours then what I am working in the first place. As my peers approached me after this news was disclosed, and asked "what are you going to do?" I simply smiled and said my infamous words..."I'll just have to make it work". Now back in private practice those words would have rang true, and when I was double booked sometimes even tripple booked YES I did make it work! But I was the master of my own little world back then and I juggled what I could to make sure that everything went smooth. In this job, I am only the master of the constraints of my own authority....which happens to be VERY limited!!! I have a gatekeeper, co-workers, and my work day ends at 2pm, which by the way, I do not get paid an amazing rate based on the number of billable hours (people seen) I attend to in those 20 hours. Oh so frusterated. Keep asking myself is this really worth it? Yes!!!! Get my school hours, get some teaching practice so I can go on to bigger and better things. Push through!!!!!! Push through. It is not my fault that this system has failed. I cannot be the only person who has run into this problem. Maybe it will force my supervisor to not be so damn anal about those people awaiting to transfer or maybe they will come up with a better system. It appears to me that there are several systems in this machine that have faulty wiring.....but who am I to make that call? times ticking and as much as I want to gripe and moan. I have to get myself prepared for another day....well til next time!!!!

March 27th 2012

Tuesday- (MY Monday) I really shouldnt have any days off....it give me to much time to watch 6 hours of TRUE BLOOD. After hitting up some great deals at the Thrifty Store- Boy did I score there, dropping off my 100 prints, I came home with all intentions to clean do some work around the house and hit the gym. Instead I checked to see the status on the updated on demand of HBO's True Blood line up.....Brand new to on demand (new to me) was six episodes of True Blood season three. Last summer I purchased several books on Sookie Stakehouse not knowing that the True Blood HBO series even existed, by the time I had read like five of the series I found that there was a HBO series based upon the books. Thing is I came into the series at the end of season three, so I was behind. I watched every one after that, purchased the season 1 DVD, because I couldnt wait for it to be on TV again and season five ended this past summer. They have shown a recap of season 1, 2 and now three since and everytime it comes on tv I gotta watch it. So yesterday I just kept watching. Now I am almost 100% caught up. I can't say that it was a wasted day, but it sure was not productive. I did do well at the Thrifty Store. If your not a Thrifty Store shopper you are truly loosing out. I had a $7- off coupon with $25- purchase so with this in mind I always know I will get $7 in free stuff. Also on certain days they have everything in certain colors at 50% off. So white was the color, $7 off. I got yours truly 3 pair of shorts. (one pair was from Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Factory looked brand new retail $14- I got for $1-. 1 Pair of lane Bryant black dress shorts, karen Scott dress shorts. 2 pairs of capri pants (Eddie Bauer), 1 pair of Old Navy Jeans, and 1 CJ Banks Shirt. For LM I got 1 pair of shorts and a T-shirt (which he loved), and Hubby got an Izod polo plus reebok shorts. All for the grand total of $20.17. Even at the Thrifty store price I saved $27 dollars. I love when it works out that way. You gotta be careful when you shop at the Thrifty Stores for clothing however. I take a long time to make sure that they are in good condition, no stains, and if I will actually wear it or not. I have purchased way to many things with broken zippers, rips, stains, or items that once I get home and wash will not fit me. So word to the wise...great deal or not if your simply gonna put it back into your own donation bag, don't buy it in the first place. I did well with things this run. Hubby reported that he was in need of new Polo's and shorts...there were plenty I just couldnt decide what he might like. I may have to send him in himself. Shopping I did well, being a big fat lazy bum...I did that well too. I have not gotten on the scales, but what happens often when I am meaninglessly waitching hours upon hours of tv...I snack, so I am sure my six pounds gone by Thursday goal is out the window. No loss...possibly gain. Thats okay, Iam going to make it up today by hitting the gym right after work and get right back into my better eating routine. WOW! 7am already best be getting in the shower and ready for work...arggh!!! (Good thing I didn't pack and store the winter wear cauz it's freezing around here again....Central NY weather wt?).

March 26, 2012

Need a big Dose of CoFFEE this am....struggling to get moving. Ever been awaken when your smack dap deep in the middle of a dream...I guess it kind of put me off just a bit this morning. I am usually a programed waker. Meaning I am up usually everyday of the week...need to or not...somewhere around 5:30-6am. Most days I hit the 6am mark on the dot. This morning I overslept, and my hubby woke me at 6:28...while I was deep in dream mode. See it wasn't that this dream was such a great amazing dream that I really needed to stay in so I could live out the fianle, it was just that it interupted my pattern of sleep to such a degree, I am finding it hard to get moven today. An hour later and I'm still not feelin it! DRAG, DRAG...UGH!!! Hubby gone off to work, Princess has gone to school, Little Man is struggling to move too, which of course makes my morning's all the more "fun", NOT! Plans today include gym, maybe a little shopping, cleaning as always, and and and maybe a nap...gee's!!!! Might even send LM out the door and do the nap thing first. Yesterday after cleaning up from the Sat. night fun and reading the paper, LM was bugging me to get him some game points for some silly computer game he is in love with. Well, I had just purchased him this deep discounted comforter set from the clearence section of Walmart the day before, only to be told that he does not like the WWE any longer and since he does not want to put Tripple H on his bed, I was going to return it, so I made him a deal. Come with me to return the comforter set, do some price hunting for gazabo's and the game points are yours. Big K (K-Mart) had a sale on pop up covers for $129- and the picture looked pretty good and I thought I could live with it. Infact it looked very simular to the stand up gazabo (the only one I did like at K-Mart) I was excited to spend $129- instead of the $200+ listed weeks before. So off we went in search of this gazebo that wasn't really a gazebo (but a pop up) and at least $100- cheeper, plus I had one week left to use the $10 off coupon. Well......sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words....it was not what I had hoped, and it was slightly larger then I need to cover my deck and once again I'm staring at the only gazebo I do like in the K-mart line up thinking use the $10- off coupon for this $249- gazebo or buy a bike and loose the $10-. Off to look at bikes, SOOOO yesterday instead of a gazebo that I was not really liking I put a new Schwin bike on layaway. After draggin little man back a fourth through the store walking a women's bikes through the ailes..it was done! In less then six weeks, I should have a new bike. Now, I haven't rode a bike in possibly 15 years and the one I had at the age of 18 is still in my basement with a rusted out chain, but after obsessing over a gazebo that we really do need to have for the back deck....I bought a bike. Go figure!!! Well all was not a loss. I dragged LM to Big Lots and it's as if the heaven's opened....There staring at me at $30- cheeper then the only one I could tolerate at K-Mart was the gazebo that I want. Too bad Big Lots doesnt have a lay-away plan cauz I would have hit that up at that moment. Now knowing what I want, I am not budging. Bike on it's way and Gazebo will be mine before the pool is open and ready to go. Sat. I had hit the grocery store and bitting my nails at the $237- total before coupons and store card, (final total was $147- and I now have 70 cents off each gallon of gas and $5- off my next grocery purchase...not bad, not bad at all.) as I mentioned I had found this comforter set for 1/2 the original price at Wal-Mart. I had not gone to wal-mart for a comforter but to look at cell phones. (Did not get a cell phone), but walked away with a $35- comforter set, 2 $8-Martha Stewart tin beverage containers (sold at Hobby Lobby without the Martha name for $19.95), and a beautiful fluffy blue $9- beach towel for the deep discount of $18. How's that? The discounts were out of this world most items were 75% off. Returning the comforter, my beach towel and two tins cost me all of $3.50. LM got his game points for $10- and I purchased a wooden Easter bunny for my center piece for $6-. Everyone happy!!!! YEAH!!!! Wow, talking about stretching my $ has make me wake up!!!!! It has even got me charged to take a gander at the thrifty stores to see what might be lurking around...(got a $7- coupon for any $25- purchase). Got a coupon for 100 photo's $10- and with some additional combo's I might be able to walk away with some penny priced health a beauty supplies too. Still have to put a deposit on the summer vacation, but it looks like everything will be falling into place. got one more little free thought. My good friend took this costly course through her church by Dave Ramsey the financial wizard. Sat. she brings me the entire course on CD to borrow. Thanks Mr. "D" (david ramsey), it looks like I've already saved myself some funds!!!! Gosh saving money really gets my heart pumping!!!!! Off to look for some more deals!

march 25th 2012

the day after......girls night. Actually I'm doing fairly well for surviving a night of drinks, food, and games that ask you to take a truth or dare. I've never been one to shy away from a dare anyways. Last night I had to made a TP diper (good thing I went to the store) and stand in the street, turn around five times, and confess several secrets about myself. We definately had a good time. It was so nice to have time with my friends and let loose. Gonna read the newspaper today, and spend time crafting the rest. No other plans except that I really do need to get to the gym. I gained two pounds after eating so much JUNK last night. Not gonna sweat it. It'll be off before you know it. Of course, as hostess I am stuck with a ton of left-overs and let it be known....I will not be eating that stuff, no how, no way. Perhaps I will be on again later after some new creations. Have a happy Sunday!!!

March 24th 2012

Layout of a "Traditional Girls" Night

Good Morning Saturday!!!! Tonight is a Non-traditional girls night to be held at my house. We have our standard (traditional) monthly girls night and tonight since the standard is missing 2 of the 5, I decided to have a new with slightly more girls night. There should be 7 of us maybe 8. I am super excited and have been anticipating a party for a while now. Big difference from tonight is my scrapping gal pals are coming, and in order for that to happen, we had to allow children to attend. Why are some husbands so not available to watch their own kids when their wifes NEED a night away? My hubby will watch his and anyone else's with no problem. My hubby is so weird anyways, he does laundry, returns bottles and can't wait to hit the lotto so he can hire a bunch of people to call his debtors just to harrass them. Shorty I will be off to the grocery store, cleaning the house (have you ever wondered why you clean the house before a party? It always becomes a bigger mess once it's over anyways, might as well leave it a wreck to begin with.) But I guess I could at least scrub the toilets and have ample TP, so my guests don't have to drip dry or use paper towels, (just a kind thing to do, don't you think?) I made sangria (sp) last evening and the fruit is soaking in etho. I have chili dip and those disgusting mini weiners for some grub. We always have good not at all healthy for us foods and usually some kind of a game....do not know what we will play tonight, but thinking beer bong...just kidding we dont drink beer come on were sophicated women with real class...give us some top of the line boxed wine...LOL. Can you tell I'm excited????? Lost another pound!!!! That means I am down 13 pounds in just 18 days!!!! Gonna have to watch myself tonight cause the party doesnt start til 6:30 and 7pm is my no food after rule. Gobble up quick I guess. Maybe I'll make one exception for the evening. Starving til 6:30 tonight and running around the block at mid-night....naked! (that'll make me run faster). Enough silliness!!!! I am psyched that my flowers are growing..... see? My forget me nots have forgotten to come up...but the morning glories are saying hello!!! My teen stopped by to see his mother last evening, what a nice surprise.....we spent some time talking about how mature he has become. I am so stinken proud of him!!!! Got to spend time with Princess too, of course it was to go shopping cause she couldn't go another moment with out flip flops.....still love her, got myself two pairs as well, told her that this was her child support and she still owed her brother $12.50. I only get $25- a month. LOL Thinking about getting a new cell phone, I so miss my old one....just perplexed on what to buy....I refuse to get another contract and end up paying three times what was quoated to me. Damn you Sprint!!!!! Looks like hubby has arrived home from returning bottles...and no he did not win the lottery.....BIG BUMMER, I was so looking forwards to having a house full of tele-marketers calling. Guess I better get rollin to the store before the crowds hit...I hate when the stores are so packed and people crowd the grocery aile to stand and search for the last can of tuna....or look to see what coupon works best with what yorgert- oh wait that's me......Have an amazing day I can tell already it's gonna be SPUNKY!!!!

March 23, 2012

These are the second set of layouts from the Crusin workshop on the go.

It's amazing what you can get accomplished when you wake up early...there's just not enough lives left in my castleville game...to keep me going. ANYWAYS!!!!! It's Friday. TGIF and all that great stuff!!! Scales report I'm down another pound. Having a case of "justs". "Just" one pound!!!, "Just" another 83 to go... "Just" really upset that this is moving so stink en slow. I know its faster then any other "diet" opps I said the word, I have every tried in the past and I'm really not doing anything so incredibly different, but the awareness that I will soon have to get real with changing the things I put in my mouth soon as I am sure I will plateau and there will be no movement but up. Trying to remember, I started this on March 6th, only 17 days ago. 13 pounds in 17 days is an accomplishment for anyone, and as I mentioned I haven't done any major changes with what I eat...just less of it. I was eating french fries and BK chicken, Pizza and Chinese food last weekend and I still have lost 13 pounds....What is wrong with me that I can't "just" be happy that the pounds are falling off. Weekends seem to be my biggest enemy and I really really really want to be down 20 total by this time next week. Thats 7 pounds in a week. Not setting myself up here or anything, just plotting a goal. A pound a day. Hoping that at 20 pounds I can start to really exercise again without the awful pains in my back. I love ZUMBA and I have not been able to push through a class due to the pain I get. I already mentioned what an impact just walking has done....theres a corporate challenge coming up at work, you can run, I will NOT be attempting that, not this year anyways, but you can also walk for 3.5 miles. I thought that I might be interested, but at this point carrying so much extra weight will kill me. I believe the challenge is in June. I do have a little time to prepare. I also once enjoyed the folk march offered through the YMCA, once a month (they have others too) but they showcase one park, neighborhood, mall, or interesting location every month to inspire walking. I used to do them...I haven't in years. But its always a nice walk and you receive a pin once you have completed. (Girl Scout at heart, I need to get my achievement token.) I now realize why I was always pushing the kids to engage in those organizations....get those badges kids!!!! So I really really really want to see another 7 pounds gone so I can really start to make my body move pain free, at least the bad pain not the pain you get from a good healthy workout. Other interesting news????? Oh yeah... I was going to discuss my future with regards to WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP... Well I still don't know, but I do know what I want to do until I grow up. Last year I ran a women and childrens program and we worked with the local domestic violence clinic, back then I thought it would be nice to give back of my time and do some volunteer work...I just never did. On Wed. I submitted a volunteer application and I am awaiting a response. Okay....just why did I volunteer my time when clearly I have got to get myself back to school and that most certainly will eat at any free time I have??? Good question; after some scouring of the May classes (two I could take) and still not knowing for sure if these are the classes I need to take...I decided that I need to just wait until I get the final say from NY state on what classes I do need and start in the fall semester. (Hubby promised to have the license money for me in April.) I should know for sure what I need to take if anything at all to proceed by then, so I wont be wasting my time, works credits and my sanity. I figured that I might as well do some volunteer work in the meantime. Still haven't heard back yet, but I think I know the volunteer coordinator (It's at least the same name) so I may have a pretty good shot. I also think that for now I need to just stay put with regards to my career. For awhile I thought that maybe I would go full time if the right position came along, but I think I would be shooting myself in the foot if I fell back into that old routine. So staying put, awaiting school, and volunteering. I am also going to do some serious movement with regards to teaching. Plan is to contact the state and see about getting trained specific in the area of regulations of note taking. We need a course on that so much and I think I need to be the Leader in providing the training for this. Payday was yesterday, we are pretty well caught up with the bills!!!! Going to put a deposit down on camping this afternoon and groceries need to be purchased. ROCKEN the girls night Saturday can't wait!!! Well.....time marches on and I guess I had better attend to the things I do need to take care of right now. TTFN

march 22, 2012

Thursday mornings are sometimes more difficult then Mondays (Tuesdays for me). I am having a terrible time getting myself motivated to get up and go this am. I wasn't up late or anything? I'm just feeling terribly slugish. I am so bad about reading my emails, so yesterday did a quick search and saw an email from a friend with the heading "please pray". I quickly looked into the email and found that one of my friends husbands had passed away. I am so incredibly sorry to hear such awful news. The last few years have certainly been difficult with regards to the (young- in their 40's and 50's) many losses. I grew up with very little awareness of death, my grandparents and even one great grandparent died when I was in my 30's. Ive experienced several deaths since then even the loss of people my age with many years ahead of them, but these last few years have really made me take a look at the fact that even in my 40's death is nearer then I could imagin. I personally am not afraid to die, but the idea of loosing someone as close to me as my husband, my parents, my dear friends, is a reality I'm not ready to face. It really makes you think about the precious time we do have with one another. I do pray for my friend and send her the strenghth to make it through such difficult times. As I walk through my days complaining about the small things that irritate me or the walls that I put in front of me with the people I care about to save myself from fear I will rember that we only have God's gift of today and work hard to make each and everyone special.

MArch 21, 2012

Happy Wednesday!!!! I'm a little tired this morning!!!! Last evening was the theater- South Pacific was the show, and we got back around 11pm. I pooped!!!!! I enjoyed the performance, and I so love the company; My Mom, Ms Mary, and this time we brought my Gal Pal Carol. The three of us lived together the summer between our freshmen and sophmore year....yeah I know what was one summer? But it was our first real time living on our own not on a college campus. It seems to me that summer last forever, I had my first real job, I was madly in love, and we were living FREE from parental rules. I was 20 and wow did I think I had it all. That summer Ms. Mary meet her hubby, Carol kept us laughing, and I learned that life will forever throw curve balls. I don't dare to go into details, but that was the last summer I think I ever felt like ME, I mean really me. I got some life changing information that summer and had to make some very difficult choices for myself, to this day I don't know if that choice was for the best and I will never know.... Dr. Phil talks about pivital points in your life and I'd have to say that was one. I don't know what exactally how it happened, but after that summer my life took a detor that changed so much of how I viewed life and myself forever. Of course I survived after all that was 22 years ago. It's interesting that I just thought about it now. I no longer have that great job, and I don't even see that "love of my life" any longer, (of course the love of my life now is Hubby) but I still have those two girls. That choice could have made such a difference in where my life is today. Wow!!! Butterfly Effect!!!! I dont' know where that came from. Have you ever just thought about moments, people, events in your life and think about if that did or didn't happen just how very different your life would be today? Ms. mary would have never meet her husband of 20+ years if we hadn't had or summer home. I would have never met Mary if I hadn't gone to summer college and met her roomie Mindy, who would have never meet her hubby if our paths didn't cross because I introduced the two of them....I would have never met the father of my children if I wasn't working that awsome job and the love of my life hadn't broke my heart the fall of that same year. I wouldn't have returned to college if I hadn't spent one weekend at the love of my lifes campus as friends. And if the father of my children wasn't such a messed up idiot, I would have never sought out a career in substance abuse (to help fix him of course), stopped my own love affair with drugs and alcohol and obtained a position working with the man I am married to today as he was doing his residency. WOW!!!! That just creeped me out! Chills Chills!!!!! Okay differnt thoughts; I have officially stepped on the scales after a three day stay away and Glory day I have NOT gained!!!!! In fact I have loss TWO more pounds. Thats a total of 12 pounds since I started....and I thought I really messed this weekend up! Now as I ponder the super natural forces from above....I guess I had better do it while getting ready for work. I had some revulations about my future yesterday that I will speak about in detail at tomorrows blog! TTFN- may you allow your life to flow as HE see's fit!

March 20th 2012

Spring is here!!!! ( these are not my flowers, but the first I've seen this spring)

Good Morning Tuesday- and is it or is it not the first day of Spring? Whichever it sure feels nice!!!! I'm struggling to remember what winter is like, (dont curse us) we had such a mild one this year. Every fall I look at those dozen or so ski packages you can buy for the season, and every year I put it off...this was one year I am not disappointed that I did. I am also very grateful that I did not pay for a season of driveway snow removal, and didn't purchase any big ticket snow play items either. So enjoying this. Busy week ahead, trying not to psych myself into the dreads of whats to come, but sometimes when I think about all that needs to be done I get so overwhelmed. I dont know what that's about, it's not like anything has ever been as terrible as I seem to make it out to be in my head before it happens. Tonight is the theater, I recieved the new season ticket package for next year, Can't seem to bring myself to spend the money for yet another season despite the fact that I do enjoy them. I've just got so many other things on my plate for my money to go to right now. Licensure, deposit on vacation, gazabeo, bike, new cell phone!!! Not to mention the things that I have to pay for because they are due. My eldests birthday is also comming up...he wants a car....really now!!! Will you settle for a bumper sticker to go on that car once you get it? It's things like that (not being able to spring for a car for my son) that make me feel like a poopie parent. My parents got me my first car, sent me to college, paid for me to live while I was in college, and have continued to help me to this day. I know times are different but I really do wish I wasn't in such a deep hole financially so we could help him out more, and we could live without pinchen pennies. It sucks!!! Not going there, not this morning. Lets think something more pleasant.......hummmm!! Still doing the better eating, I havent gotten on the scales yet today and I have avoided them all weekend. I wasn't exactally what I would call as "good" about watching what I ate all weekend. I wasn't "bad", but I didn't follow all my rules, so I have been afraid to look at the numbers. Yesterday was a bust, I planned to go to the gym, do some thrifty shopping and clean the house....I did clean the house, but I was feeling guilty about spending money on Sunday that couldn't bring myself to check out stores...just in case I had an urge to spend. I really wish I didn't buy pizza and wings on Sunday. We have a house full of food...should have stood my ground with hubby. So I didn't get to my plan I did some cleaning and some scrappen. WOW!!!! I guess I don't have anything pleasant to write about......maybe it's time to say goodbye and get my day movennn. At least it's beautiful outside and those tulips I found still in the bag outside under the snow three springs ago from the dollar store that I simply threw in a hole hoping would grow have come up again for the third year. Wish I had thrown more in more holes....

March 19, 2012

Heres my take on So Lucky to have You challenge posted and my take on the CTMH workshop on the go.

Weekend over- Now back to business. My computer has been acting funny this am...hum? Not sure why, but loading sites, pictures and doing my blog stalking has been slow to come up. Oh goodie, it looks like my pictures may be loading to the computer. My daugther and I survived the $15- bag sale at Platos Closet yesterday. This weekend has been a big score on my GREAT deals plan. We arrived about 45 minutes before opening and there was a line that crawled around the building...I was NOT in the mood for this. We stuck it out and found as we hit the enterance that the $15- bag was a produce bag....Really? Well that didnt damper our hour wait to get our chance to stuff the bag to the top. The Princess hit up the tanks, summer shirts and cammi's. She basically just grabbed anything she thought she might like and once we had piles we rolled each item up and stuffed them deep into the bags. I got two produce bags and when it was all over and we checked out we had $148- worth of clothing 20 shirts and a sweat shirt for $30-. I tried to slip two pair of shoes in the top, but the guy said no and offered me another bag...not when this used shoe was priced at $8-, so what I'd save a buck....no thanks. Plato's Closet is a gently used clothing store that sells all the top name brand clothing mostly for young adults. It's a great deal when you got a kid who wants all the speciality named items and a mom who has no money. I've been shopping at those American Eagle and Abrocromie stores and a simple T-shirt can cost upwards of $20-$40 a piece. She got some really cute tops and we actually had a great time. We got another free French Fry for lunch from BK and I had a coupon for a 99 cent Latte at Dunken D's. So all in all another pretty good day. Keeping my eyes open for more deals to come. Spent the afternoon cleaning the yard and it's soooo yucky!!!! Dog couldn't seem to make it off the back deck this winter to poop, so we had little peanut bombs all over the place. Got that all cleaned off and began obsessing over the purchase of a new awaning or gabazbo (spelling is awful). The one we used the last several years had torn apart and we got rid of it with plans to purchase a nice one this year. Logical thing to do is purchase one at the big K and do lawaway (plus I have a coupon for $10- off in the month of March). Thing is I really do not have a favorite at K-mart and if I'm gonna plop down $200-$400 for an item I wanna like it. Other thing is I still have to get the money for my licensure and need to put down a deposit for the vacation in June. Lets add that I really really really want to buy a bike. I've wanted to do this for over a year now and just never did. My job had this incintive re-embursment up to $250- last year on anything fitness related and I was gonna do it with the purchase of a bike...I just never seem to have the $ up front. It never happened. They offered it twice, I missed the last one cauz I was not an employee for those four months during the summer. I also need to get a new cell phone so I have been researching on this like a psycho to find the most efficent one. Basically there are just so many pots to water and not much H2o to go around. i know I will figure it all out....plus I did enter the B&B works bike giveaway....please win please win. After obsessing as apparently I still am, I broke into my new CTMH stash and made my own version (cutting the paper down to same more B&T) of the WOTG "Crusin". Winding the evening down I painted with my free paint while listening to Once upon a time, Amazing Race and the last 45 minutes of Celebrity Apprentace. Room is looking pretty good. Was not as mindful of what I ate this weekend and after hubby hinted about chicken wings and pizza for dinner I broke down and spent almost as much on dinner as I did on The Princess's clothing lot....why do I let him talk me into this ( that $ could have been a deposit on my k-mart layaway) I had two slices of pizza and feeling guilty have big plans to hit the gym this am. My hubby will be my downfall everytime. Anyways....I guess I had better attend to the day. Gym, scrappen, cleaning, meet Mom for dinner. Busy Busy Busy!!!!

March 18 2012

What a beautiful weekend it has been. Although my family and I did not make it to the Parade (and just by driving around Syracuse yesterday, I am glad because there were people/traffic everywhere.) we did have a great day. Of course as we were driving by the Irish Pub Colemans yesterday I was a we bit jelious I wasn't 21 years old again....but that my friends was a lifetime ago. Nowadays I get much more joy out of getting things for FREE and yesterday was a FREEBEE score. Yesterday Ace Hardware had FREE pints of paint- I got mine tinted in Ice Cream Sunde (I actually started to play with the color in my bedroom around 11:30 last night). Then I headed off to Bath and Body------IIIIII----LLLLLOOOOOVVVVEEEEE----- B&B!!!! They had a seasonal promo party on household fragances and I had coupons...So for spending $10- in product I recieved for FREE- a B&B tote bage, a bulb plug in and a full sized hand soap!!!! I also entered to win a B&B bike (I want a bike so bad.....please win please win). The free stuff continued when we decided that a day at the ZOO sounded much more apealing then the crowds downtown- plus the membership ends on March 31st so USE it up. So although not really, but we didn't have to pay yesterday- The Zoo was free!!!, but before we went to the zoo we had lunch at The Home of the Whopper....where everyone got FREE fries. ( Those two words together are like my favorite thing....) . I had a coupon for buy 1 get 1 on the chicken sands, so hubby and I ate that, boys got burgers and sodas, we all had french fries, the BK we went to had the fill your own soda so we had pleanty to drink and the lunch for the four of us was under $10- they also had Irish Sauce- GREEN Ketchup. The boys both had green hair, but the tasting of the green ketchup was not gonna happen, at least not for the LM. The Zoo as always was great. I love the elephants and the bears were actually moving around this time!!!! We headed home with intent of stopping at the Irish area, but it was a zoo initself so idea #2 was to the local park, instead the boys played basket ball and football, I played with my NEW CTMH items that came when I got home!!!! Can anyone say Christmas!!!! I also planted some flower seeds...this year I will make that garden! We rounded out the day with left-overs and movies. It was a GREAT day. Today is another although it's not FREE, I am hopen for a great deal. The local Plato's Closet is having a $15- all you can stuff in a bag sale, and my daughter has already got her strategy on. I'll have to let you know how that goes tomorrow.

St Pat's Day 2012

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!!!

Feeling a wee bit in the Irish sprit today as it is St. Patricks day!!! Unsure what the family and I have planned for the day, we usually attend the Parade, the boys are not at all to interested this year. Last year we were published in the news paper. We brought peanut with us, but it was absolutely freezing and the crowd behind us were drunk and obnoxious, so I think that may have affected their view of attending this year. Another reason perhaps not to go is that this Sat falls on the actual St. Patricks day and it looks like its gonna be a beautiful day SOOO everyone will be crowding the streets. My daughter and her boyfriend are planning on going. I can take it or leave it. There are some great freebees around the community today that I wouldnt mind hitting too, free paint at Ace Hardware, Free Fries at BK (I will not be eating those thank you), and Bath and Body is having a festival of somesort, I have a coupon for $13- free item with $10- purchase so if we dont do parades, I know I can keep myself busy. I made my apologises to my co-worker, he didnt really think I was that over the top, and I spoke with my supervisor so there was no lingering damage from my spaz attack on Thursday. Whew, I also had to note on here that I hit the scales after my posting yesterday and now down a total of 10 pounds. That would be a pound a day since I started this!!!!!YEAH!!! If this keeps up I'll be down to my ideal (only what I would LOVE to be at and NOT a have to be at) by June. I'm not even going to pretend that this rapid loss is going to keep going, but it sure feels nice. Just gonna keep doing what apparently is working. Spent the evening at my Upline and good Friend Sandy's house working on consultant club. We made some beautiful cards and layouts using the CTMH "Crusin" paper pack. (I will have to post soon.) Looking at the papers made me think of all the great places I have traveled to over my lifetime. I thought I would use one of the layout pages to showcase the many travels I have had. After some thoughts about every well know city I have hit in my lifetime, I decided that perhaps a break down of the last ten years (since I have been married to my hubby) would be a better starting point. So far I came up with 26 cities and some more then once. Highlights are DC, NYC, AC, Niagara Falls (both CA and US), Indianapolis, Boston, Orlando, and Vegas (these we have visited more then once in the last 10 years.) Others of interest are Nashville, Philly, Cape Cod, Salem, Ocean City MD, Ocean City NJ, Toronto, Cleveland, Tampa, Fort Meyers and a few thousand trips to Lake George. There are more.....I asked hubby about his memories of trips and noted that I have never been to Chicago and he reminded me that I have been to the airport there. (I decided that driving past or sitting in airports do not count and if my memories of Chicago are Ohara airport...I'd perfer not to return). I so love to travel, so when I think about that we have not done any big vacations in a while it breaks my heart. I know we are planning a trip to the Lancaster area in PA this summer, but I oh so want to take a ROAD trip...like a week plus trip to someplace new. Somewhere west!!! I would love to go to all the big name National Parks, see the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, the Badlands (although I have been there as a kid, I'd love to see the presidents heads in a mountain as an adult and can appriciate it). I have this little wishing jar that I put change in, my LM and I have been doing it for about three months or so it's our wish to buy an RV so we can go traveling in it. Three months of loose change will not get us there, but we keep the dream alive. For now were going to travel in our mini-van and hit the local establishments. I think I'm gonna try and make it to Vermont (maybe in April) to visit my all time favorite Ice Cream factory- Ben and Jerry's. Lake Placid has tons to enjoy during the summer, and I have wanted to do some more trails ( Of course this is after I can walk around the block without my back hurting) in the Adorondacks. My big ticket trips will come someday I know it will. And after we conquor the US....it's off to the world!!!! For now I am just going to enjoy the gifts right here in front of me. CNY has a ton of great rivers, lakes, trails, zoo's, parks, parades and even an area dedicated to the Irish with an upside down traffic light.

March 16th 2012

Yesterday was a bad day. After spending the whole 5 hours I have to get my work done, I recieved an email about some more work I needed to do, and I lost it. I mean I really lost it!!!!! It was like the devil came up from the bowls of hell and lashed its furry! I started ranting, shot back a nasty emil to my supervisor, yelled at a client (yeah...thats not good) and damit all it ruined the rest of my day. It wasn't so much the work cauz I can always get that done, it was the ludricrist demands that the work entailed. It felt like she was looking for something to delay this process. You see in order for us to move an individual from treatment to a new form of treatment we have to have an approval. In theory this makes sence, but were not talking about a well oiled machine, were talking about humans- no set standard for the approval, and totally a big pain in my ass. On one end I've got the big boss telling me to hurry up and move people along (thank you Insurance companies-again these are not machines) and then theres the gate keeper who apparently has a complex or something and the process get stopped. OKAY well and fine, I'll take care of anything that needs to get done, but the request was submitted three weeks ago- why am I getting stopped now? I oculd have had the concerns needed to the file done three freeken weeks ago. And the thing that ticks me off is that somehow these files and the people got to me in the first place...why didn't the "gate keeper" stop these issues then before they got to me? I get hot as they are comming in and as they go out. It drives me crazy. I guess what sent me over the edge with yesterdays was that the requests were just plain stupid stuff. Stuff where you really feel like WoW!!! It makes me wonder if she was just looking for stuff to justify why it has taken three freeken weeks for a responce to my transfer request. Anyways, now I have to deal with the day after- my co-worker, an intern, a client and my supervisor. I feel like a total idiot, because really its not that big of a deal it's just frusterating, and I got caught up in it. So heading into work early to take care of the Stopped issue, make my apologies, and get prepared to hear it from my supervisor. TGIF is all I can say. I wasn't bad with managing my weight yesterday, but I didn't do anything to great either. Will have to check the scales in abit! TTFN

March 15th 2012

My Co-workers are the biggest enablers...yesterday was the celebration of one of my co-workers 25th year and as it always seems they have to get a cake for ANY celebration. (Staffing always seems to have someone's birthday so we have cake) This past Tuesday's cake looked delicious!!! I passed graciously and swallowed another carrot stick. So thinking that I could avoid yesterdays BIG Chocolate cake I had decided that I would say my congrads on the fly, and lock myself in my office. My co-workers are like, come on, you can have a small piece......like you would offer a crack head a small hit of cocaine....REALLY??? So I did attend. But had no cake!!!!! Proud of me!!!! I actually had a fairly productive "healthy" day regarding my weight, so when I checked in with the scales this am, I was a little dissed to find no movement!!! I had a WW frozen meal for lunch about 200 cal. according to the box, burned that 200 cals at the gym, kept myself moving by washing my car, scrubbed down part of that gross brown green on the house, ran around cleaning the house, and after a nice approprite dinner, was out and about again. No sitting around on the couch or the computer chair, no cheating.... Yeah I am a little discouraged. Not defeated but discouraged. I feel lighter....does that count? I did a little blog stalking this am (I was up at 5am for some reason) and found several additions to add to my collections to follow. These were weight loss blogs. I feel so much more inspired after viewing some of them. Especially the ones that blog about the 100 plus pounds they have eliminated from their bodies. It makes me feel that it can be done. Taken all things into account, I haven't given up and that's more than I can say for several of the last attempts I have taken on this journey. I have done well on other diets, but that was years ago when my body was so much more forgiving. I remember at my 135 pound days (thinking I was fat and doing WW through work) being informed of my pregnancy.....it was off to the races that day. I also remember the nurse telling me at my third month that I needed to be careful of my weight gain (as I had plopped on about ten pounds a month at that point). I recall I told her, I'm not worried I lost it all with my last child....she reminded me that I was also nearly ten years younger. I think I was at 208 when my LM was born, lost maybe 30 pounds of that at one point in my attempts to diet and today.....nine years later.....I have exceeded all pregancy weight totals and have another nearly ten years added just to make it all that more difficult. Just what did I know anyways???? Food has always been a good friend and if given the option of a fat tummy or an abundant suppy of french fries (with ranch dressing of course)....I always choose the FRIES!!!!! Anyways, I guess I had better finalize my morning- for starting my day at 5am time sure has gone fast. getting LM all greened out for GREEN day at school!!!!!

March 15th 2012

Another day down and one more pound gone. (I haven't checked the scale yet today to see if it's any lower) If I keep loosing 8 pounds a week, that would be awsome. I'm waiting for the flatline, it should be coming soon, but not putting any dark curse over this success. Im gratefully surprised to see that these little changes in my eating habits have been so successful. I rarely have had any craving time and after about 1/2 my dinner last night was gone I was feeling very full. I used to eat every last bite, I guess I was afraid I'd never get another meal again or something. Also grateful that someone ate all the left overs so even if I wasn't stuffed I wouldnt be tempted to eat more. Doing it. I recognize I do need to step it up with the exersize. I keep planning to get to the gym then something always comes up (excuse). I'm better then I have prior to this change but I really do need to get my body moven.I realize this blog has been nothing but all about loosing the weight of late, so I thought I would re-direct this slightly today and venture into some additional positives going on. After the damaging financial nightmare of the last few weeks, my hubby's made an arrangement with his student loans and we are again out of the red. Were only in the pink, but not on fire for the time being, so I can sigh a little relief!!!! He has made big changes in his work schedule to help cushion some of the financial stressors and in April we might even have what I'd like to call a little extra. I'm not holding out for any extras from our taxes since that is what we owe the most from all the previous years and anything we might get back is going to be swallowed up by them anyways towards the debt. I never could have imagined how deep and dark that hole could be with the IRS. I guess you live and you learn, but we are no longer in a financial crisis, and things are looking up (for the time being). Another positive or might be anyways; there is alot of movement going on in my office. For one we are moving buildings, gaining an entirely new computer program system, and they are beginning to start making adjustments to the mental health clinic. These changes may bring some lucritrive opportunities for me in what directions I may want to go with my life professionally. Since my back ground is both in mental health and addictions, I could pretty much do either clinics, the thing is if I go into a mental health clinic I need my Licensure now in NY state. I have been alluding to the fact that I want to this anyways, but now the feet are to the fire and I have to get a move on if the MH clinic is really the direction I want to go in. The other componet to this is the change in my work schedule. As things stand right now, I work four days a week at five hours a day and despite the 20 hour work week I'm expected to do a 40 hour work week...so I max out those five hours I'm there and totally busy, but I have the flexability to be home when the LM gets on and off the bus so no daycare expense as of current, plus I have one extra day during the week to enjoy myself. In addition, if I do need to go back to school as I'm guessing I will, the 20 our work week will make that so much easier. (Just how did I do a full-time job, school and raise two children solo, I'll never know. Someday I need to tap back into that chick and get some mojo) . Anyways, the thing is this, with the two clinic's I will have a better shot at working at whichever one I want the other thing is, I really am not sure I want to cut off one to stay true to another. My background is in both Addictions and mental health, I get a mixed bag. OHHHH I dont know, but I do know that if I just bide my time that there will definately be opportunities out there....so maybe I'll just sit back and wait. Time just got away from me I'll ponder this more I'm sure..

march 13th 2012

Good morning Tuesday, and I still am all messed up by the time change. Yesterday got me way behind, and I had a tuff time getting up this morning. I typically dont use an alarm clock, my hubby usually gets me going, but yesterday he overslept and we did the overnight that pm so he wasnt here to roust me up today. I'm off my yucks from Sunday and back on my better eating track. Not that I feel I ever fell off. Still pluggen away. I have not stepped on the scales yet, but crossing fingers that there is downwards movment when I do. I did some shopping yesterday after I dropped of the little man, (we were late) and caught up on my week to week Life project. Found that if there wasn't anything special going on during a perticular week it was hard to fill six boxes with stuff. Did some blog stalking picked up a challenge "Lucky to Have You" challenge, I believe its from the Heart2Heart blog. Caught up on the last four cross that out three of four True Blood series from season 2. I watched all 3 esisodes and about o hit the fourth when on demand decided that they were not going to show me the final episode. I was pissed, but decided that three hours of TV was probally enough anyways and found something else to do. Back to work today. Tuesdays are both a blessing and a curse, after I do my thing, do some notes it's time for staffing and that usually takes up my whole afternoon and I'm outta there(blessing) but, if i got lots of work to do to catch up on stuff it is a long agonizing waste of my day. Hoping this will just fly by. The weather has been nice, I did wash down the house after I noticed a nice brown stain that apparently dripped from the roof. It came off, but on the far side there is a greenish yuck that has built up and looks gross. My hose wasn't getting it to wash away. The house needs a paint job or even better a face lift. The whole yard needs some kind of a lift. It's not even spring yet I'm gonna get to it. Anyways it's already after 7 and I still need to get things rollen here. I can't have a repeat of yesterday or I will be late for work. TTFN

March 11, 2012

Another day has moved on by....whoosh, and we lost an hour to add insult. Why do we have this day light savings time anyways? My Saturday was busy, enjoyably so, but busy. We took the boys to Putt and Glow golf, then had the late but terribly fattening diner at Tully's, watched the movie Hugo and enjoyed bowling with friends. We got home after 12am (1am with the spring forward). I would say that for most of the day I was in peaceful happiness enjoying the time with family and friends. I knew that having what I had for dinner was not on any weight loss menu, but I hadn't eaten all day, I had even refused my hubbys gracious bialy breakfast gift. I didn't even force myself to shovel all of my dinner down there were still french fries and chicken strips left on my plate when the waitress took it away, I didn't eat anything else, I had lots of water, and for he most part I had been moving through out the day so I felt pretty okay with this splurch of a meal. i had been feeling pretty good about the whole week. It wasn't until at bowling as I was clicking my camera and my girl friend clicked a picture of me and I got a look, that I suddenly felt this incredible wave of disgust. Its not like I haven't seen pictures of myself, its not like I don't have a mirror at my home, but for whatever reason it was like the first time I really saw myself as a fat women. The scales read what they read, my cloths fit tightly, the tags read x-larger, I can't fit into last years pants, my thighs rub together, and if I move down the stairs quick enough in my PJ's my stomach claps.....I knew that I was/am fat, but that was the first time I ever saw myself as a BIG girl. Obease. Have I been that buried in denial, that I could be shocked at a picture of myself. What is this body dimorphic disorter thing I got happening? Did I really think that I looked thin or something? It didn't help that I was wearing sweat pants that gathered at the ankles and a sweat shirt that was just a little form fitting, I look a little like a fat sausage stuffed into it's casing. What the hell have I been telling myself for the last several years? Why didn't I stop this before it got to this point? It just really home. The rest of my evening became an issue, I lost it with my son, I stopped enjoying myself, and I barked at my hubby. It caused a miserable break in my pretty awsome day. I went to bed feeling like one big piece of poop. Still struggling to shake the feelings of disgust I have with myself. I have avoided the scales this morning. First responce to dealing with all of this is to eat nothing ever again and hit the gym for the whole day, or give in and eat everything not nailed down. Trying hard to give myself pep talks....You realize that your not healthy and you have made changes....big changes....your working at this...your not giving into eating, ......this is only week one, and you are doing this..you could be continuing to live in that denial and getting bigger as we speak. I know I am doing this, and it's the most progress I have made in a long time, I can't let this be a set back in how I was feeling about my progress. Yesterday before the picture viewing I was feeling pretty gosh darn good that in five days I had lost 7 stinken pounds. I can't throw the towel in, I can't give up!!!!!! Gonna view this day as a new one, only one way to go and that's forwards. As I enter week two of my change in bad habits, I will look forward to a new picture where I can smile and say, look at that amazingly beautiful healthy women.

March 10th 2012

Good Morning!!!!!! I am so glad its the weekend, and especially the weekend after payday. I feel like I can finally breathe easy for the time being. I actually rented movies last evening and we all watched "Jack and Jill". It was one of those Stupid Funny movies that makes you just laugh at the idioticy. I have continued to stick to the diet. Opps! no diet here, the better eating. On my way home from work yesterday I stopped and bought a few fresh veggies and fruit (I went to Aldi's and it seems there veggies and fruit spoil faster so I will be forced to eat before they go bad). The prices were pretty great too. I got a whole pinapple for $1.59. I love fresh pinapple so this will be a treat. I made cheese burgers for the family-I made myself one too, but it was about 1/4 of the size of my "normal" burger, no bun, no cheese and to suppliment my puny patty I sauted fresh mushrooms. I thought this was a creative way to get my veggies or fungas and fill myself up. I am amazing myself with the ways I have been making my food less fatty and more filling. It is sad that it's really simple things that I dont have to miss either. I know that I dont want to have to make myself an entirely different meal from my family so I'm just finding ways to cut out some of the not so good parts. I even have been doing some slick stuff with the boys meals. LG wont eat my burgers, so I made him chicken nuggets. I thought about making mac and cheese as a side dish (thats how I used to think-really mac and cheese as a side dish???? Thats a main course aduh!) so to fill his five nuggets and ketchup plate, I cut up fresh strawberries as the side dish and volia....I think I cut about 1,000 cal at least. I love the LG, but he suffers from his moms cooking (not that dad doesn't help with providing the junk....I could have killed him last night when he came home with slim Jims and candy bars for the boys) but he could stand to loose a few pounds too, and we the parents are to blame. I have just a few rules about my new way of eating. I know this is't the healthiest but Im not a big breakfaster-1. I dont eat breakfast,2. I have a low cal lunch (for now I have been eating WW frozen meals until I get a better grip on being prepared for lunch, its an easy solution to go and grab in the morning.)3. No snacking (another nono in the dieters world.)4. Dinner is the same as I might always prepare just with smaller portions and more of a balance. I am trying not to eliminate my favorite foods, which is typically where I think I fall off the wagon with these new eating habits. I start a diet and I'm at the store buying low cal cheese, zero cal salad dressing, stuffing carrot sticks and boco burgers into the fridge, attempting to force lite mayo down my throat.....and hating every stinken bite. Shortly I'm back to my bad habits and I gain an additional ten pounds. So until my body lets me know that I have to change something (the scales will tell me) no damn lite mayo for this chick. I hate that stuff so much I'd rather just go without. 5. More fruits and veggies. 6. LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER. I am not a big fan of H2O, but with lots of ice and when my stomach starts to grumble, h2o has been my bestest friend. 6. Absolutely no eating after 7pm. Simply rules I am sure as I go along there will be more. I planned to go to the Y last evening to play BINGO and I'd sneak off to the fittness room. Family veto'd and we watched the movie, but I know rule nuber 7. will soon be exersize every day....move that body. In fact once hubby returns from the store, I might take a gym trip and engage in the water aerobic class. Rest of the day...my first new eating day with out the interruption of work, will need to be well planned out so I don't get tempted to fall back into a snack here a much there, couch to computer. No slip ups allowed just because its the weekend. Seven pounds down in just five days. OH!!! So motivated!!!!! Gotta keep it going!!!!

Friday March 9th, 2012

These pictures were at Scaracuse last September. We had a great time and met a few Sy-fi stars as well as some creepy things.

I am so glad the weekend is here. Things seem to be looking more positive. Tiffed by the fact that there is once again snow on the ground after the other days heat wave, but besides that things are looking up. Paycheck was more approprite this time, and perhaps hubby can relax. Still gonna be tight, and I have had to postpone the funds I had been working towards to get the licensure, but I'll get there. No birthdays or celebrations in the immediate future, so there should be no need to spend extra money. Have a CTMH order that needs to be submitted. I do love that, although I will not be splurging like I had hoped. Discount or not, I still cant really afford my habit or my business whichever way you look at it. I'm undecided if I should work at it and get the biz up and running again or if I should simply accept that this is not the time to try and juggle CTMH and the rest of the stuff going on in my life. Why do I have to have such an awsome team, and I have to SUCK and getting people to buy? Down another pound. At least I think...yeah I know what does that mean, well I stepped on the scales 1st thing this am in my jammies and robe....and I was the same from yesterday...then I weighed in NAKED and the scale was one more pound loss. I was a little worried because I did eat a slice of pizza at the MI supervision yesterday. Dinner wasn't what I would call a low fat, low cal meal either, but I did hit the gym and worked pretty hard for about an hour, I guess as long as the scale goes down or stays the same, I'm smiling. Not going to let myself sweat the fact that the only thing I ate differently was a slice of pizza and then I worked hard at the gym and only lost 1 pound get me bugging, because that would be the old Wendy, and she's distructive when it comes to this stuff. I was helping my son do a time line project yesterday and I ran accross the pictures I posted yesterday. I look at those and think....and I thought I was fat. I'd give anything to be that size again, or even slightly larger. Well one thing I know is I was there once, I can get there again. Guess I am off. Thought I would post another layout.

I found these old pictures of me as a motivator to loose that weight. Sorry they are sideways.

March 8th 2012

TG it's payday!!!! I am very proud of myself this am. Although it was terribly difficult I made it through the whole day with out a hitch. A little disappointed that my walk (basically around the block) killed my back...(another reason to loose this weight), but I refused to come home eat some junk and sit on my duff, so I raked, cleaned and took a walk. The walk was really a BIG wake up call. I guess I knew that the extra weight on my back was an issue since the last time I tried to do Zumba with the girls it was hurting, but to struggle with it during a walk around the block. (The blocks are big around here, but really shouldnt be a problem). That really hit home. And to think that I was all geared up to do the three mile Folk march this weekend. I wouldnt have made the first mile. Well instead of putting me into a funk, I am going to just keep at it until I can walk, run, dance, zumba, bike without any back pain. In addition to actually moving my body, I was very careful about what I ate. I'll admit I had a hard time of it. I had initially decided to hit the gym right after work, but the weather was so nice I could'nt waste such a beautiful day inside, so i came home and decided to rake....but when I ran out of containers to put the leaves and debree in, I struggled with what to do with myself.....old habits diehard and I was ready to munch on something....anything. I forced myself to do anything but. Dinner was not a dieters dream, but it was much better then the crap I have been shoveling down my throat. I am realizing just how bad my routine was and can now start to see why things have gotten to where they are. I guess I just kept thinking that I was not living a life of such bad habits, but with the back pain and the real struggle I had to find something to do with myself other then eat, TV and computer...the reality hit me pretty damn hard. I'm gonna have to come up with some activities to keep myself in action during those times when in the past were spent doing nothing. The house can always be cleaned, and there are pleanty of rooms (basement, garage, yardwork (now that the snow has left) to clean. I have decided that I will be either going to the gym after work or coming home and attacking some area of the house to clean up. tonight is family night at the gym so we've all planned to go there and work out. I am also gonna commit to walking at leasts once a day. On the way home tonight gonna stop and get some lawn bags, and finnish up the raking. Took a quick stop here to shower and check the scale. Down six pounds since I first got brave and took at the numbers on the scales. Not bad for three days. I'm not allowing myself to get excited quite yet cauz I know that this is just a jump start to a long slow, difficult, downward decline. Slow and steady is not a weight loss tactic I have been good at, so I have to just take this one day at a time and keep focused on this moment right now. Off to finnish up the morning routine, get the little man rollin, push the girl out the door....she's gally lagging and has clinical today. Today is my down day at work with no demands just paperwork so it should be pretty easy. A little worried about MI supervision today...they always get pizza for lunch.....(it's not like its even great tasting pizza either......gonna have to AVOID that like the plaque....maybe if I come in late there will only be the nasty pieces left and it will be easier to pass on it. Or f i'm really havin a hard time of it....maybe I'll just not go all together.)

March 7th 2012

Finding myself a bit more optimistic this am. The week is moving along and they predict the weather should be in the sixties today. Can't beat that. I always love it when we get those days after winter when you can roll your windows down, music playing, sun glasses on, breeze in your hair and those long days of winter seem long gone. Although in this area of the states noone can be to sure, it could be a blizazard tomorrow. Can't complain about the winter weather this year, I think we actually shoveled the drive three times this season and not once did I get stuck at the end of the drive where the plows had buried our escape in. My hubby is still a miserable SOB. I just don't know what to say. No answers as we had hoped on Monday about deferring the loans and no relief that this week we just might get enough money in his paycheck to pay some of our living expenses. Trying not to be stuck in the "it's your fault" but its hard not to project blame. I think I did well at watching my eating yesterday. I didn't go to the gym as I had planned, not because I was falling into old habbits, but I got out of work later then expected (I should charge OT) and realized as I was heading home (Gas light came on) that I needed to make a few stops, and when all was said and done, I would'nt be home in time to get the little guy off the bus. Instead of rushing home and hitting up the Facebook I did clean the kitchen, washed those dishes that had been in the sink since Sat. (I made cupcakes for girls night), and did some laundry. I did have the music playing, but the minute the LG got home off it went when he claimed he couldn't handle my dancing anymore. Gee I thought I was looking good!!! LOL. When it came to my eating, I thought I could have done better for dinner, but the days diet was totally right on. Not that dinner was like I usually eat, infact I threw away a good portion of my plate. Gonna get on the scales shortly. I have decided that I can't suddenly just stop eating, but I can start eating better, not snacking, and certainly NOT eat after 7pm. Just those few steps is surly gonna get me in the right direction. One thing I do know about me is I am extreem, and if I try and go ALL diet...then I usually slip (cauz as much as I want to be...nobodys perfect) and if I slip the whole game goes out the door and I'll be here next year weighing 10 pounds more and complaining that something has to be done. In addition to changing these little things I have iniciated some helpful plans with my little guy with regards to routine. I (we) have allowed him to pretty much be in charge of his life (at nine it's not smart, were both to blame) and so when he lost his marbles about getting off the computer to attend to the homework...I decided not only do I have to address my bad habits personally, but it's clear my bad habit have reflected on my son and now we need to get him on track too. Anywhays....I realize the clock has tic tocked right on by and I have got to get myself ready for the day. If the scales have decreased I might have to sneek back on here and shout horray. till then!

march 6th

Time sure flys...when your doing alot of nothing. I spent most of yesterday flopping from the computer chair to the couch. I somehow intentally gave myself permission to be a slug and took it to the extreem. I used to say, we all need days like that, but when you seem to do that day in and day out...I think it becomes pure LAZINESS. Got on the scales this am, ( guess I was hoping that the fat farries had come in the night and took 50 pounds) and was shocked that the numbers keep climbing. REALLY? Shocked? It's not like there has ever been this amazing do nothing but lounge around and eat diet. I don't know what gets in my way....I can lay in bed at night or early in the morning and think...today is the day that I get in gear. I cant even make it through the first 1/2 hour and I have already decided that it would be best if I just waited to work on this AFTER.....fill inthe blank. It appears that I have avoided the reality of things for so long I have lost control of my life. The idea of stepping out of what has become the norm seems all to terrifying I guess. I'm like an alcoholic slowly killing myself. Living in some Denialville town somewhere oodling at blogs, pinterest, computer sites, or absorbing myself in the television seems to be my beast. I will spend hours looking at things on this computer and thinking "Oh I wish I could do that, go there, make that, etc." I can imagin what my life would be if...., but the idea of actually doing falls short. I guess the reality is I have found that if I just DONT look at it, it will go away. Bury my head in the sand and some how the bad stuff will just disapear. No magic wand here? What do you mean. I look around and think how did I get here. I work with people who are making major changes in their lives and I'm suppose to be some "role model" of good health. I teach and support healthy livestyles, getting out of denial, addressing your problems, and here I am buried up to my eyeballs in BAD choices!!!! And then I wonder why I feel like my life is such s%&^. I have agreed to that contract, signed my name on the dotted line and allowed myself to live it. So where do I go with all this. I mean it is easy to complain, knowing is half the battle right? What I need is action. An addiction specialist would say, a counselor would say, a Dr. would say....do and the habit will follow. So I start there, work on the behaviors. Make the daily commitment. For today, I will start by ending this blog, and getting myself moving, pack my gym bag and go directly to the gym after work.

march 5th, 2012

Missed this yesterday, infact I wasn't even really on the computer at all yesterday. I spent most of the day crafting and made several layouts. Then I cleaned out the scrap/diningroom area. The cleaning part took most of yesterday. We or should I say, I have so much stuff. There is stuff here, stuff there, stuff everywhere. ( And then I'll eat it with a mouse in a house....small tribute to the Dr.) My hubby is like the walking dead and a misserable SOB, so I tried my best just to stay out of his way. I get it, I totally understand what he's feeling (about the financial situation), but what can we do? It is what it is. I can stress myself out about it, (which I do easily enough), or we can accept that it is what it is and do what we can. I have already decided that until we get this student loan paid down, there are not going to be ANY extras, (not that there were before and no doubt it will be a tight stretch). Thinking hard about the cancelation of the summer vacation, and if we dont go, we will survive. There's pleanty to do locally, we have a pool of own, a local park, the YMCA membership, there is always some activity going on in the city, a visit to his mothers is as close to free as we can get (minus gas), so it's not Hershey Park...we can camp in the back yard or at a local park. My eldest requested a weekend camping trip rather then a Grad. party and if were or I'm going with a bunch of teens, I'd rather be closer then far far away anyways. I was not working at all last summer, and what he needs to pay is at least 1/2 of what he has to pay down right. We'll make it....My amazing and wonderful friend in Fl. insisted that she pay for me to fly down for a four day weekend in Oct. As much as I would love it, I am praying that by Oct. we are back on track....but gotta love her for thinking of me. Anyways, the time is ticking away and I've gotta get the little guy on the bus for school. got plans to clean the rest of the house today, and catch up on some missed tv programs. The rest of True Blood has got to be on demand soon....one can pray. I so need an escape from reality today. Enjoy my latest layouts and a little piece of Irish. (my photo upload is giving me problems- more pictures to come)

March 3, 2012

You'd think I could be creative enough to make my title a little more exciting...I guess I just dont have it in me, plus I really dont know what I am going to write about before I start. Trying to manage despite the big blow of yesterday. Trying hard not to let a little thing like we are so BROKE it Sucks break me down. I did use some coupons to gain myself some hair dye and have gone red. Yikes I wasnt looking for such a drastic change and I am so grateful that St. Patty's day s coming soon, I might just get away with it. Anyhoot, I spent last evening catching up on some layouts. I finally got some pictures back (saved over $10- with my coupons, and circular savings) and decided to work. Here's one that I completed. Little man and I got to meet some of the Ghost Hunters in September last year. This was such fun, I have always been a big fan of the show. Really believe there has gotta be somthing to the paranormal finds...I know I dont want to find them myself, but it is cool to see what they catch. The whole day was lots of fun and the TAPS members present- Jason and Britt were very engaging and nice. Gonna spend some more time doing layouts this am (if I can find another roll of adhesive...do not want to go back out to the store if I dont have to, and I really dont want to spend the cash.) Graitude for the day; It's Saturday, the sun is shinning, I have the whole day to play with my scraps, we have enough meals to make it to payday, and above all 2nite is GIRLS nite and I soooo need it.

March 2, 2012

Just when you think you can start to feel blessed, another whammy gets thrown at ya. I have been doing well with the practice of the graitude. I have been working hard and actually thinking positive, happy thoughts. Merrily I have been accepting my life and doing what I can to atttend to what I have control over. So when I got this mornings news...out went the joy and in came a big case of the anxiety. My hubby arrived downstairs this am in a suit. Odd he only wears a suit on court days...usually Tuesday and never on Fridays. Whats up? He says He'll tell me later after he deals with the issue.....Are you meeting with a lawyer and I'm gonna get served with divorce papers? No!!! So whats up? Well long story short, several years ago- Almost seven years ago actually...my hubby completed his residency, got a real paycheck, and thought with his MD status we should all live like a Dr. lives. We bought a big house, took really great trips, filled this bighouse with great furniture, bought a nice car, and accured lots and lots and lots of debt. Later that year I got an amazing job, so with the two incomes we were looking like the all american dream. The American dream bubble busted about a year after that when we started to slip on the payments, juggled one bill to pay another, got so far behnind we lost that big beautiful house, lost the car, and had creditors calling daily for their money. We also find that we owe the IRS and NY state a TON of Money!!!! A year later I lost my great job, my hubby can no longer take on extra money working with the Drug companies (he used to make extra $ doing lectures), his OT time is cut, (Plus he can't physically keep up) and were in a whole heap of alot of financial trouble. To spare you the long of it. We have spent the last five years working at attending to that year and a half of gluttony. We are closer to the end, last month we finally paid off NY State and it seems that although things have been tight and we have continued to have our financial scares (both bank accounts were ceased and Frozen in December (Christmas time...gee thanks), it seemed that we were making our way to, if nothing else living within our means, and my hubby comes down this morning in a suit. As I mentioned we owe the IRS money...which is appropriately being taken without our say so. For awhile the state was also taking our money...once we paid off the state, apparently my hubby's student loans, (which had been in deferrment as we attacked the taxes) took action to begin taking what they felt they were due. Okay so it makes total sense we owe this money I get it (there was some shaddy s&^% that the state did during this to make us owe more, but thats besides the point) Any hoot, now the student loan people are coming after my hubby and after the IRS, child support, and student loans he is recieving a paycheck for about $100-. Are you kidding me...... I accept that we owe, we were dumb, make some very foolish choices and that we need to make good on our debt, but we have to live. I make about 1,000.00 a month and I guess I could work more hours, my choice to work part time was a result of high day care expenses and taxes. He still makes what he makes on paper so we still pay the taxes on that big taxes....so we can't win. We can live tight, but can't make it on 1,100.oo a month no matter how much I water down the ketchup. Okay so his suit....he is meeting with the IRS and the business office of his loan to see if there is somthing that can be done. So crossing my fingers, freaking just a little, and feeling oh so tired of dealing with this. A word of wisdom think before you purchase!!!! Pay your taxes on time and make sure you adjust them to income. Still feeling like someone punched me in the gut, but I have to get to my job, apparently the only income we have right now.