Friday, December 31, 2010

Entering 2011

Reflecting back on 2010 as I enter a New Year: Last year I was in such a different place, I wouldn't say a better place, or a less fortunate place, just a different place. I recall that I intentionally decided that I would not make any resolutions for 2010, and for the most part, I lived up to that. My thought process at the time was that I never seem to meet those outrageous goals I set for myself on the EVE of December 31st, so why put so much pressure on myself? Thing is I think we all have to have some goals for our lives, otherwise we just surrender to what is. Although I am a firm believer in acceptance, I accept that there are things out of my control but I have taken on so much acceptance over the last year, that I have simply accepted that this is the way things are. I have surrendered to the acceptance that things will not change, and I might as well just get used to it instead of making a change in myself to do what needs to be done. I do not know where/when I became so complacent but I am not where I want to be in my life right now, and so the resolutions need to start now. #1. I will no longer feel or act as if I sleep, eat, and work. My job does not define me. I will no longer look to people who cannot provide me with self worth as a measuring tool of my value. If I am dissatisfied with my job, then I must make it work to my benefit or look elsewhere. #2. I will take time out for what brings me pleasure. I only have me for the rest of my life, why should I short change what I find to be important for others? I will not feel guilty if I take my full hour lunch, I will give myself the freedom to enjoy my scrapping, take trips, spend time with family and friends, make time to do what I want to do, and be okay with the decision to do so. #3. I will not be fearful. I will no longer be intimidated by what others think of me. More so I will not project what I believe others will think of me. My fear has had such a tight chock hold over me this past year that I have been suffocating and dying inside. I have missed opportunities to voice my opinion, take a stand, stiffened my spirit. I am drowning in my fear. #4. I will take care of myself. I have been ill more times this past year then I have ever been in my entire life. I have gained more weight in this last year, for the exception of pregnancy, then I have in my entire life. I have been more lazy and felt more non-productive then I have ever in my whole life. I need to take care of myself or I'm not gonna have a life. This means I need to get to medical appointments, get to the gym, eat better, and not fall into the couch once I get home from work. It MEANS balance. #5. I will be more available to my family and friends. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met. He has and will support my craziest plans. I have four great kids, that i love with all my heart. I have some of the most wonderful friends. I have not been the best wife to this man, and I have been an absent parent to my kids, giving them the bare minimum of my attention. Some of my bestest friends I have not seen or spoken with since last year. In 2011 I will let then all know just how important they are to me. #6. I will be attentive to my finances. In 2011 i will be aware of where my money goes and just how much I spend. No more denial. This defect of character has haunted me for way to many years. I must learn to be accountable for my role in where the money goes. #7. I will get my CTMH business up and running again. Not having enough time is no longer an excuse. I had all the time in the world last Jan. Feb. March, and April...what was my excuse back then? #8. I will continue to further my awareness and education. I have postpone obtaining my license feeling that if the NY state insurance companies will not recognize it, then why bother. But I need to finaliuze that part of my degree. I need to get my license. I also need to sustain my certification, and continue to be aware of new ideas in my field. #9. I will do what I say I am going to do. No more indifference. I have waffelled in my decisions about this or that for so long that I can't seem to make a decision. In 2011 when I say it I will mean it. #10. I will give myself permission to fail. I have not always taken a risk, or gone the extra mile or even made resolutions out of the fear of failure. I recognize this is a long list, and I probally wont meet all of the expectations on it all of the time, and that is okay. I will allow myself to make a mistake and give myself permission to move on.

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