Saturday, May 26, 2012
Well it's Memorial Day weekend, and as much as I love the warm summer months approaching, I am not excited to have to start wearing the clothing expected for this season....meaning bathing suits, shorts, t-tops.....The kind of clothing where you cannot get away with baggy pants, big bulky sweats and long sweaters or blazers to cover the mounds of white flesh beneath. Not to mention that I cannot seem to move as agile as I would like and my skin is so ghostly white I might be mistaken for a zombie. DISGUSTING!!!! If I haven't said it before...I am saying it again....TIME to LOOSE some WEIGHT! No LONGER is weight loss a beauty thing.....but I am quite sure if I ever bring myself to get my FAT ass to the Dr. it would most certainly be a MUCH needed health thing. I am sure that he would say sternly.....YOU HAVE GOT TO LOOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!! My weight has gotten so out of control that I struggle to do simple things like cleaning, walking, moving, even sitting has become uncomfortable. I have so much to do, there are about a million projects needing to be addressed in this house and the whole thought of moving around to do it makes me stress. I have a few other vices that need attention as well. My addiction to screens....no not the ones found in windows that would just be weird. But the tv screens, the computer screens, the video game screens (i can't play, but I have no problems sitting for hours watching the rest of my family play), even my new found love; my phone screen. If it means I can just sit, use just my fingers ONLY, mindlessly dragging out my day.....I seem to be attracted to it. I will find myself on this computer at least five times a day...removing myself to do a small task like load the dishes, do some shopping or of course eat; although I can do both eating and playing on the computer at the same time. To find myself sitting HERE again playing the one millionth game of Jungle Jewels or taking care of my kingdom, FB stalking, checking in on The Real House Wife's.....catching a quick glimpse on pinterest and of course searching blogs. Every morning the routine is the same:get up, brush the teeth, have a cigarette (YES another BIG vice) grab a cup of coffee (at least I do not use cream and sugar) and head for the computer. FB is usually already on as my Hubby is also a victim of SCREEN ADDICTION. If I'm not on the computer I can usually be found watching some incredibly dumb reality show about girls who cant find dates, evil brides to be, crazy mothers who want their child to be the best pageant contestant or number one dancer, beautiful women with rich husbands that need to air their dirty laundry, or some other amazingly waste of my time on tv. You have already heard vice #3. Good old NICOTINE addiction. This has NO excuses, (not that the other two do either) but the disgusting, expensive, down right YUCKY addiction to voluntarily inhaling pollutants into my lungs is just about the stupidest thing ever. Of course I have excuse after excuse....my father never loved me, I had a difficult upbringing, I lack self confidence, EVERYone else is doing it, it's just to stressful, I'd quit if my family was more stable, I had a better job, more money, more time, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! ( I really could go on with the excuses, I really really could.) Enough! These BAD BAD BAD habits have got to STOP!!!! It is time to take the bull by the horns and make the bad habits be gone. So I am going to start now.....right after I eat some JUNK, check on my computer Kingdom, and smoke this last cigarette.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
I wish I could say that I'm in one of those "good" places this morning, BUT I'm not. I'm not sure what is going on, but I am finding it difficult to be "HAPPY" today. Agonizing over going to work today. I volunteered to cover another members group, I'm super behind already and I just plain am over it all. I dont have any ideas about what my group is gonna do today, and I don't feel like thinking about it. Hubby has been cold all week. Princess is having "boyfriend" problems, still waiting to hear about my license, and have not received the paperwork for the FAF. Should I go on......I'm sick of being fat, sick of feeling unhealthy, sick of the financial demands of my life, sick sick sick. I typically will either act on this and be like a CRAZY woman either obsessing over everything that is going wrong or I avoid it all like the plaque. I have never been good with that whole balance thing. just gonna sit with this for a bit and see what happens.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
I really have very little to write about today. Delayed my morning by doing my bi- weekly coupon building for shopping on Sat. Have to many things going on this weekend. Thrilled that the Price Chopper has trippled coupons....I should save a ton. paying off the summer vacation and I have absolutely got to get my registration and funds into the Reunion or my friend Ms. Mary will kill me. Had scheduled a Partylite party for last night. Did have a handful of friends interested who couldn't seem to make it. Decided to CA, then decided to do it anyways. Two dear Friends joined me and I just may be able to get either FREE or deep discounted items. I have my heart set on two tower lanterns. Although the two together cost $180- so if no sales no towers for me. So money has been accounted for the week. That extra four hours I did last week really bumped up my pay...well no so much but it sure looked nice. When your expecting one thing as you do every week and even when it's only by a few dollars once it hits the next degree digit in the 100's it simply looks nice. If I havent mentioned it....I got 50 Shades of Grey for mothers day...from hubby of course not the kids. Almost done and can I just say, even I blushed at this book and I am far from prude in the sexual department. Anyways i am almost done and need to pass it to others who need a little spice in the bedroom department...or at least so they can join in at the h2O cooler at work. TTFN, It's Ladies night tonight and I am psyched. Just five little hours and the work week will be done and then "WHOOO LEETTT THHHE DOOOGGSS OUT?"
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Yesterday I attended an in service or a training because most people look at me like what? when I say in service....so I was at a training yesterday. I have already learned most stuff in this field because I've been around so stinking long...AND because I think I know it all...but I learned quite a bit and really enjoyed the topic. Surprised...yes! The thing I didn't like about the "training" was my own inner jealousy/anger and downright NEED to Show off! I'm in this room with all these people fairly new to the field just starting out....AND I CANNOT CONTROL my feelings of WHAT the HELL am I doing HERE. I had this overwhelming NEED to make sure EVERYONE, including the trainer KNOW.....that I KNEW something...In FACT I know EVERYTHING. I was answering every question, controlling the break out groups and probably looked downright conceded. I really don't know WHAT came over me. I was even jealous of the woman who reported that she was trying to get into the field and begin working on her License. I mean WHAT is that? I don't know where this SUPERIOR attitude came from...but after it made me just sick. There's this part of me who really really really feels that this job is somewhat below me...but then theres this part of me that really wants to shine and prove myself that I am the best at this and here is why. I have been looking at this position as a stepping stone to getting back to or towards my next professional goal, and this position is clearly only a part-time gig to help me get from point A to B. It is NOT a Career or an end all to my professional journey. If that is my mindset, then WHY the HELL would I be so in the NEED to puff out my chest and display my peacock feathers? The training in of itself was a pebble in the road to the next step. a. Being certified, I need to keep my credits up as I need to re-new every three years. So I was getting credits; it just so happened that it was a topic I enjoyed and the TRUTH is I did learn somethings. b. Because I was at the training later then my shift I got some extra hours in my pay. The fact that I enjoyed the topic and learned something was a complete bonus. I typically enjoy these trainings and look forward to attending them. I just cannot believe my behavior and reaction internally about the whole afternoon. The need to prove myself was so overwhelming.....look at me...hey hey you. Yes, I am an old lady who has been doing this for pretty much her entire adult life and LOOK I am right where I started 15 years ago....even worse I am doing it at a measly 20 hours a week and I SHOULD BE up there in front of you all TEACHING you not being taught...OH the TRUTH COMES OUT!!!!! Truth be told I was not jealous of the girl trying to get her foot in the door (although on some level I am, because I was once that girl full of hope and excitement about this amazing career in the addiction field)...but of the trainer. AFTER 15 plus years and some heavy duty mental health experience, multiple spectrum of job tittles in the field I SHOULD BE on the other side of the table. Now the idea of being a trainer has crossed my mind several times and I have even explored this with agency who provide training specifically as well as presenting the thought to my current agency.....I just never followed up. It's amazing what revelations can be found when you simply type your mind. The real under lying issue here is I NEED to take control of my own damn life and stop projecting with my behaviors my own personal issues of being incomplete. If I really want to teach then I should, If I really do feel like this job is beneath me...then get a new job or bide my time till I can get what I need from this job and GET that dream job. STOP looking like some COCKY bitch that knows it all...truth is I really don't and start to PROVE that I know something by doing SOMETHING...not trying to show off in a training for whom? my own bruised EGO. WOW!!!! More to think about on this one, but I have my job calling and have to run.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I really need to simply trust in the powers that be. When I think of all the million and one things that I FREAK about...and they fall into place, it makes me believe that somehow someway things always seem to work themselves out. No this is certainly not the end to my obsessing, but maybe it can at least bring my over worked brain into some (just a little) calm. After my yuck feelings yesterday, I did end up with a fairly satisfying day. Work went smooth, enjoyed a little of my new book after work, got things together for the theater, enjoyed a nice evening with my good friend Mary and a show. (last one of the series...just couldn't bring myself to pay for yet another year despite the enjoyment.) Came home and the pool pump was on and working. Chalk one up to the AMAZING hubby. (still some kinks to iron out because it makes way to much noise). Stepped on the scale this am and I am down two pounds from yesterday. I can't imagine why after all I had Micky D's for dinner and an ice cream while strolling down town. Only thing I can think of is that I was walking and perhaps that was just enough to burn off whatever I had ate. Pay day is tomorrow and I can happily say that I still have some money in the bank, and not just a couple of bucks either. Hubby reports that he has also ordered an IRS return for the financial aid stuff, and I have completed the additional needed paperwork. No demands today....hooray! I do have to work late this afternoon, but that is money in my pocket and credits to my certification so it's no big deal, after that it is a NON-hurry up and get somewhere, do something evening. I can perhaps ride my new bike that I have only had the opportunity to do twice since I got it. I can peacefully enjoy my new book, and perhaps if we are lucky a little alone time with the man I love. Life can be simple, I can allow myself to "let go" and I can enjoy the moments as they present themselves. If I simply trust in the powers above and accept that I am where I am suppose to be today then somehow it will all be just as it is meant to be. Relishing in the here in now today, embracing in the trust that this too will be exactly what I need in this moment.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Feeling Yucky and Slugish today. Could have slept longer....coffee just isn't doing it for me. Feeling a little disgusted with myself, and just plain old dont have it in me to do what I need to do. Accomplished everything on my short list for yesterday...which usually brings me joy....but nothing was completed despite my efforts. I find that I have all this inspiration to GET it done, then when the event, item, chore, demand is sitting in front of me...it all seems like a mountain much to tall to climb. yesterday I had it all in my head that I was ABSOLUTELY under no excuses was I going to stray from my once again announced plan to loose weight...I set out well, went to the gym, did what I needed to do that morning, called on the FA for my son, called the IRS too. Called the pool place for some ideas on my pump, did a little cleaning and when there was NO resolution with any of my needs mentioned above, (I'm still at a loss with the FA, I'm not sure if the IRS is sending a transcript because the call was not so clear, the pool place pretty much said I'm gonna have to buy a new pump for $426-, and my cleaning effforts ended shortly after I got frusterated with the IRS call) I found myself sitting fat ass on the couch watching TV I dont care about and shoveling food down my throat. Not that I was expecting the scales to inch down this morning I did take a peek and really wanted to ralph!!! We have our last theater tickets tonight and there is some event at little man's school, hubby just informed me that there is also a concert in the area where the theater is which will make parking a bitch and suddenly I am not interested in going at all and just want to come home from work stuff my face and call it a night. This whole week is busy. I am hosting a candle party on Thursday, at first I was excited and some friends I havent seen for a while might attend, now I am dreading the evening....and just want to call the whole thing off. It just seems like for someone with so much time...I dont have any. I cant seem to wrap myself around all that needs to be done and why I cannot stay on task long enough to accomplish what needs to be done. Well....gonna try day #2 of weight loss, gonna plan to leave extra early for the theater so I dont have to deal with the traffic, unsure if we will make it to Little Mans school this afternoon, and hoping that the day just goes smooth. Kids are struggling to get moving already....guessing thats a sign that the day will definately NOT be smooth sailing.