Thursday, May 17, 2012

WHAT is this All about? I think I got it.

 Yesterday I attended an in service or a training because most people look at me like what? when I say in I was at a training yesterday. I have already learned most stuff in this field because I've been around so stinking long...AND because I think I know it all...but I learned quite a bit and really enjoyed the topic. Surprised...yes! The thing I didn't like about the "training" was my own inner jealousy/anger and downright NEED to Show off! I'm in this room with all these people fairly new to the field just starting out....AND I CANNOT CONTROL my feelings of WHAT the HELL am I doing HERE. I had this overwhelming NEED to make sure EVERYONE, including the trainer KNOW.....that I KNEW something...In FACT I know EVERYTHING. I was answering every question, controlling the break out groups and probably looked downright conceded. I really don't know WHAT came over me. I was even jealous of the woman who reported that she was trying to get into the field and begin working on her License. I mean WHAT is that? I don't know where this SUPERIOR attitude came from...but after it made me just sick. There's this part of me who really really really feels that this job is somewhat below me...but then theres this part of me that really wants to shine and prove myself that I am the best at this and here is why. I have been looking at this position as a stepping stone to getting back to or towards my next professional goal, and this position is clearly only a part-time gig to help me get from point A to B. It is NOT a Career or an end all to my professional journey. If that is my mindset, then WHY the HELL would I be so in the NEED to puff out my chest and display my peacock feathers? The training in of itself was a pebble in the road to the next step. a. Being certified, I need to keep my credits up as I need to re-new every three years. So I was getting credits; it just so happened that it was a topic I enjoyed and the TRUTH is I did learn somethings. b. Because I was at the training later then my shift I got some extra hours in my pay. The fact that I enjoyed the topic and learned something was a complete bonus. I typically enjoy these trainings and look forward to attending them. I just cannot believe my behavior and reaction internally about the whole afternoon. The need to prove myself was so overwhelming.....look at me...hey hey you. Yes, I am an old lady who has been doing this for pretty much her entire adult life and LOOK I am right where I started 15 years ago....even worse I am doing it at a measly 20 hours a week and I SHOULD BE up there in front of  you all TEACHING you not being taught...OH the TRUTH COMES OUT!!!!! Truth be told I was not jealous of the girl trying to get her foot in the door (although on some level I am, because I was once that girl full of hope and excitement about this amazing career in the addiction field)...but of the trainer. AFTER 15 plus years and some heavy duty mental health experience, multiple spectrum of job tittles in the field I SHOULD BE on the other side of the table. Now the idea of being a trainer has crossed my mind several times and I have even explored this with agency who provide training specifically as well as presenting the thought to my current agency.....I just never followed up. It's amazing what revelations can be found when you simply type your mind. The real under lying issue here is I NEED to take control of my own damn life and stop projecting with my behaviors my own personal issues of being incomplete. If I really want to teach then I should, If I really do feel like this job is beneath me...then get a new job or bide my time till I can get what I need from this job and GET that dream job. STOP looking like some COCKY bitch that knows it all...truth is I really don't and start to PROVE that I know something by doing SOMETHING...not trying to show off in a training for whom? my own bruised EGO. WOW!!!! More to think about on this one, but I have my job calling and have to run.

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