March 8th 2012

TG it's payday!!!! I am very proud of myself this am. Although it was terribly difficult I made it through the whole day with out a hitch. A little disappointed that my walk (basically around the block) killed my back...(another reason to loose this weight), but I refused to come home eat some junk and sit on my duff, so I raked, cleaned and took a walk. The walk was really a BIG wake up call. I guess I knew that the extra weight on my back was an issue since the last time I tried to do Zumba with the girls it was hurting, but to struggle with it during a walk around the block. (The blocks are big around here, but really shouldnt be a problem). That really hit home. And to think that I was all geared up to do the three mile Folk march this weekend. I wouldnt have made the first mile. Well instead of putting me into a funk, I am going to just keep at it until I can walk, run, dance, zumba, bike without any back pain. In addition to actually moving my body, I was very careful about what I ate. I'll admit I had a hard time of it. I had initially decided to hit the gym right after work, but the weather was so nice I could'nt waste such a beautiful day inside, so i came home and decided to rake....but when I ran out of containers to put the leaves and debree in, I struggled with what to do with myself.....old habits diehard and I was ready to munch on something....anything. I forced myself to do anything but. Dinner was not a dieters dream, but it was much better then the crap I have been shoveling down my throat. I am realizing just how bad my routine was and can now start to see why things have gotten to where they are. I guess I just kept thinking that I was not living a life of such bad habits, but with the back pain and the real struggle I had to find something to do with myself other then eat, TV and computer...the reality hit me pretty damn hard. I'm gonna have to come up with some activities to keep myself in action during those times when in the past were spent doing nothing. The house can always be cleaned, and there are pleanty of rooms (basement, garage, yardwork (now that the snow has left) to clean. I have decided that I will be either going to the gym after work or coming home and attacking some area of the house to clean up. tonight is family night at the gym so we've all planned to go there and work out. I am also gonna commit to walking at leasts once a day. On the way home tonight gonna stop and get some lawn bags, and finnish up the raking. Took a quick stop here to shower and check the scale. Down six pounds since I first got brave and took at the numbers on the scales. Not bad for three days. I'm not allowing myself to get excited quite yet cauz I know that this is just a jump start to a long slow, difficult, downward decline. Slow and steady is not a weight loss tactic I have been good at, so I have to just take this one day at a time and keep focused on this moment right now. Off to finnish up the morning routine, get the little man rollin, push the girl out the door....she's gally lagging and has clinical today. Today is my down day at work with no demands just paperwork so it should be pretty easy. A little worried about MI supervision today...they always get pizza for lunch.....(it's not like its even great tasting pizza either......gonna have to AVOID that like the plaque....maybe if I come in late there will only be the nasty pieces left and it will be easier to pass on it. Or f i'm really havin a hard time of it....maybe I'll just not go all together.)

March 7th 2012

Finding myself a bit more optimistic this am. The week is moving along and they predict the weather should be in the sixties today. Can't beat that. I always love it when we get those days after winter when you can roll your windows down, music playing, sun glasses on, breeze in your hair and those long days of winter seem long gone. Although in this area of the states noone can be to sure, it could be a blizazard tomorrow. Can't complain about the winter weather this year, I think we actually shoveled the drive three times this season and not once did I get stuck at the end of the drive where the plows had buried our escape in. My hubby is still a miserable SOB. I just don't know what to say. No answers as we had hoped on Monday about deferring the loans and no relief that this week we just might get enough money in his paycheck to pay some of our living expenses. Trying not to be stuck in the "it's your fault" but its hard not to project blame. I think I did well at watching my eating yesterday. I didn't go to the gym as I had planned, not because I was falling into old habbits, but I got out of work later then expected (I should charge OT) and realized as I was heading home (Gas light came on) that I needed to make a few stops, and when all was said and done, I would'nt be home in time to get the little guy off the bus. Instead of rushing home and hitting up the Facebook I did clean the kitchen, washed those dishes that had been in the sink since Sat. (I made cupcakes for girls night), and did some laundry. I did have the music playing, but the minute the LG got home off it went when he claimed he couldn't handle my dancing anymore. Gee I thought I was looking good!!! LOL. When it came to my eating, I thought I could have done better for dinner, but the days diet was totally right on. Not that dinner was like I usually eat, infact I threw away a good portion of my plate. Gonna get on the scales shortly. I have decided that I can't suddenly just stop eating, but I can start eating better, not snacking, and certainly NOT eat after 7pm. Just those few steps is surly gonna get me in the right direction. One thing I do know about me is I am extreem, and if I try and go ALL diet...then I usually slip (cauz as much as I want to be...nobodys perfect) and if I slip the whole game goes out the door and I'll be here next year weighing 10 pounds more and complaining that something has to be done. In addition to changing these little things I have iniciated some helpful plans with my little guy with regards to routine. I (we) have allowed him to pretty much be in charge of his life (at nine it's not smart, were both to blame) and so when he lost his marbles about getting off the computer to attend to the homework...I decided not only do I have to address my bad habits personally, but it's clear my bad habit have reflected on my son and now we need to get him on track too. Anywhays....I realize the clock has tic tocked right on by and I have got to get myself ready for the day. If the scales have decreased I might have to sneek back on here and shout horray. till then!

march 6th

Time sure flys...when your doing alot of nothing. I spent most of yesterday flopping from the computer chair to the couch. I somehow intentally gave myself permission to be a slug and took it to the extreem. I used to say, we all need days like that, but when you seem to do that day in and day out...I think it becomes pure LAZINESS. Got on the scales this am, ( guess I was hoping that the fat farries had come in the night and took 50 pounds) and was shocked that the numbers keep climbing. REALLY? Shocked? It's not like there has ever been this amazing do nothing but lounge around and eat diet. I don't know what gets in my way....I can lay in bed at night or early in the morning and think...today is the day that I get in gear. I cant even make it through the first 1/2 hour and I have already decided that it would be best if I just waited to work on this AFTER.....fill inthe blank. It appears that I have avoided the reality of things for so long I have lost control of my life. The idea of stepping out of what has become the norm seems all to terrifying I guess. I'm like an alcoholic slowly killing myself. Living in some Denialville town somewhere oodling at blogs, pinterest, computer sites, or absorbing myself in the television seems to be my beast. I will spend hours looking at things on this computer and thinking "Oh I wish I could do that, go there, make that, etc." I can imagin what my life would be if...., but the idea of actually doing falls short. I guess the reality is I have found that if I just DONT look at it, it will go away. Bury my head in the sand and some how the bad stuff will just disapear. No magic wand here? What do you mean. I look around and think how did I get here. I work with people who are making major changes in their lives and I'm suppose to be some "role model" of good health. I teach and support healthy livestyles, getting out of denial, addressing your problems, and here I am buried up to my eyeballs in BAD choices!!!! And then I wonder why I feel like my life is such s%&^. I have agreed to that contract, signed my name on the dotted line and allowed myself to live it. So where do I go with all this. I mean it is easy to complain, knowing is half the battle right? What I need is action. An addiction specialist would say, a counselor would say, a Dr. would say....do and the habit will follow. So I start there, work on the behaviors. Make the daily commitment. For today, I will start by ending this blog, and getting myself moving, pack my gym bag and go directly to the gym after work.

march 5th, 2012

Missed this yesterday, infact I wasn't even really on the computer at all yesterday. I spent most of the day crafting and made several layouts. Then I cleaned out the scrap/diningroom area. The cleaning part took most of yesterday. We or should I say, I have so much stuff. There is stuff here, stuff there, stuff everywhere. ( And then I'll eat it with a mouse in a house....small tribute to the Dr.) My hubby is like the walking dead and a misserable SOB, so I tried my best just to stay out of his way. I get it, I totally understand what he's feeling (about the financial situation), but what can we do? It is what it is. I can stress myself out about it, (which I do easily enough), or we can accept that it is what it is and do what we can. I have already decided that until we get this student loan paid down, there are not going to be ANY extras, (not that there were before and no doubt it will be a tight stretch). Thinking hard about the cancelation of the summer vacation, and if we dont go, we will survive. There's pleanty to do locally, we have a pool of own, a local park, the YMCA membership, there is always some activity going on in the city, a visit to his mothers is as close to free as we can get (minus gas), so it's not Hershey Park...we can camp in the back yard or at a local park. My eldest requested a weekend camping trip rather then a Grad. party and if were or I'm going with a bunch of teens, I'd rather be closer then far far away anyways. I was not working at all last summer, and what he needs to pay is at least 1/2 of what he has to pay down right. We'll make it....My amazing and wonderful friend in Fl. insisted that she pay for me to fly down for a four day weekend in Oct. As much as I would love it, I am praying that by Oct. we are back on track....but gotta love her for thinking of me. Anyways, the time is ticking away and I've gotta get the little guy on the bus for school. got plans to clean the rest of the house today, and catch up on some missed tv programs. The rest of True Blood has got to be on demand soon....one can pray. I so need an escape from reality today. Enjoy my latest layouts and a little piece of Irish. (my photo upload is giving me problems- more pictures to come)

March 3, 2012

You'd think I could be creative enough to make my title a little more exciting...I guess I just dont have it in me, plus I really dont know what I am going to write about before I start. Trying to manage despite the big blow of yesterday. Trying hard not to let a little thing like we are so BROKE it Sucks break me down. I did use some coupons to gain myself some hair dye and have gone red. Yikes I wasnt looking for such a drastic change and I am so grateful that St. Patty's day s coming soon, I might just get away with it. Anyhoot, I spent last evening catching up on some layouts. I finally got some pictures back (saved over $10- with my coupons, and circular savings) and decided to work. Here's one that I completed. Little man and I got to meet some of the Ghost Hunters in September last year. This was such fun, I have always been a big fan of the show. Really believe there has gotta be somthing to the paranormal finds...I know I dont want to find them myself, but it is cool to see what they catch. The whole day was lots of fun and the TAPS members present- Jason and Britt were very engaging and nice. Gonna spend some more time doing layouts this am (if I can find another roll of adhesive...do not want to go back out to the store if I dont have to, and I really dont want to spend the cash.) Graitude for the day; It's Saturday, the sun is shinning, I have the whole day to play with my scraps, we have enough meals to make it to payday, and above all 2nite is GIRLS nite and I soooo need it.

March 2, 2012

Just when you think you can start to feel blessed, another whammy gets thrown at ya. I have been doing well with the practice of the graitude. I have been working hard and actually thinking positive, happy thoughts. Merrily I have been accepting my life and doing what I can to atttend to what I have control over. So when I got this mornings news...out went the joy and in came a big case of the anxiety. My hubby arrived downstairs this am in a suit. Odd he only wears a suit on court days...usually Tuesday and never on Fridays. Whats up? He says He'll tell me later after he deals with the issue.....Are you meeting with a lawyer and I'm gonna get served with divorce papers? No!!! So whats up? Well long story short, several years ago- Almost seven years ago actually...my hubby completed his residency, got a real paycheck, and thought with his MD status we should all live like a Dr. lives. We bought a big house, took really great trips, filled this bighouse with great furniture, bought a nice car, and accured lots and lots and lots of debt. Later that year I got an amazing job, so with the two incomes we were looking like the all american dream. The American dream bubble busted about a year after that when we started to slip on the payments, juggled one bill to pay another, got so far behnind we lost that big beautiful house, lost the car, and had creditors calling daily for their money. We also find that we owe the IRS and NY state a TON of Money!!!! A year later I lost my great job, my hubby can no longer take on extra money working with the Drug companies (he used to make extra $ doing lectures), his OT time is cut, (Plus he can't physically keep up) and were in a whole heap of alot of financial trouble. To spare you the long of it. We have spent the last five years working at attending to that year and a half of gluttony. We are closer to the end, last month we finally paid off NY State and it seems that although things have been tight and we have continued to have our financial scares (both bank accounts were ceased and Frozen in December (Christmas time...gee thanks), it seemed that we were making our way to, if nothing else living within our means, and my hubby comes down this morning in a suit. As I mentioned we owe the IRS money...which is appropriately being taken without our say so. For awhile the state was also taking our money...once we paid off the state, apparently my hubby's student loans, (which had been in deferrment as we attacked the taxes) took action to begin taking what they felt they were due. Okay so it makes total sense we owe this money I get it (there was some shaddy s&^% that the state did during this to make us owe more, but thats besides the point) Any hoot, now the student loan people are coming after my hubby and after the IRS, child support, and student loans he is recieving a paycheck for about $100-. Are you kidding me...... I accept that we owe, we were dumb, make some very foolish choices and that we need to make good on our debt, but we have to live. I make about 1,000.00 a month and I guess I could work more hours, my choice to work part time was a result of high day care expenses and taxes. He still makes what he makes on paper so we still pay the taxes on that big taxes....so we can't win. We can live tight, but can't make it on 1,100.oo a month no matter how much I water down the ketchup. Okay so his suit....he is meeting with the IRS and the business office of his loan to see if there is somthing that can be done. So crossing my fingers, freaking just a little, and feeling oh so tired of dealing with this. A word of wisdom think before you purchase!!!! Pay your taxes on time and make sure you adjust them to income. Still feeling like someone punched me in the gut, but I have to get to my job, apparently the only income we have right now.

March 1st 2012

I believe I have blogged everyday for a month. OMword!!!! Better then a journal. I am nortorious for starting a journal with every intention of writing in it daily only for me to return to it a month or so later and find I have failed to do more then 2 enteries. This has been a nice way for me to express myself and I have made a committment to it. Wheather here is crazy. It was warmish for this time of year all winter and I was sure an early spring was on its way, when yesterday after group (no windows) I went to my office and there was a blizzard of snow falling down, Kids hopeful for a day off, but no luck. So Snows back....time to pull the coats and mittens back out of hiding. I really dont have much going on to discuss. Things seem to be uneventful for the most part today and the week has been just as such. Plan to pick up pictures today and perhaps I can get moving on some layouts. Saturday night were having girls night!!! Yeah but otherwise life has been pretty lazy easygoing and smooth sailing (knocking on wood). Till my next drama fest or tomorrow, which ever comes first.