Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Todays blog is point in fact, that I fail miserably at consistency. (Note the last time I wrote anything here) Which may be perhaps my biggest defect! I am and always have been quiet good in the beginning of all things I set my mind out to do. I just don't seem to do all that well at continuing. The last time I told myself that I was going to commit to my blog, I honestly and truly had all the most good intention to do so. Like many thing in my life I take off running. There I goooooooooooooo, then suddenly STOP. I don't even give myself a day of reprieve and start back on that road towards my goal, but utterly and completely just STOP! Then, I'll get that little nag in myself to start once again at whatever plan, deal, promise, musts, have to's, need to's to do and begin that race all over again, only never to reach the finish line. So what has "shot the gun" this time?
Well nothing really has happened. Life has not delivered me some terrible must change news. In fact life has been pretty much going smooth. I have found a way to simply accept my job and stop bitchen about it. I am trying to embrace the position and relish in the positives of the whole thing; I only work 20 hours a week. I arrive at least an hour after everyone else, and I leave sometimes three hours before they do. Is there more pressure to get the work done; yes, but I do my best work under pressure and one good thing about doing the same thing for 15 damn years, you can pretty much do it in your sleep. I have let go of trying to define who I am around what I do. Am I 100% free of that vice, well no and I might just be feeding myself some line of bullshit right now, but I do know that it has no longer taken over my entire existence.  Although I may accept where I am in my professional life right now, I did not say that I am ready to make this job be the end of my career choice. I still and have dabbled in, for more years then I care to admit the idea of returning to school, getting my license and returning to a career in mental health. I have also expressed an idea of returning to school and changing my career field all together. Each day I change my mind.
I did commit to some volunteer work with the local domestic violence and abuse clinic. I currently volunteer every 1st and 3'd Monday of the month to answering crisis calls. I used the word commit, wow! To be terribly honest after being forgotten on a agency email about a change in a meeting time, only to show up and the event canceled, I  DID think about "slipping" out of this so called commitment out of anger, but wisely decided against it still bitter that I had driven 25 min in rush hour traffic and back another 25, in addition  unable to attend the re-scheduled meeting due to my last minute awareness of the change. I currently am sustaining my commitment to this, after all I enjoy what I am doing there and I really do what to help. 
These thing never seem to take the direction I had planned. I had wanted to commit to a discussion around why I need to address my inability to commit, and here I am, on a detour and the time is telling me that my best route for the evening is off to bed. I also really wanted to write that I do hear the "gun". The on your mark, get set and goooo is here and although life may be going smoothly I know deep in myself that I cannot live with acceptance of self any longer and I need to make my move. I just have to find a way to make the commitment to being consistent. ttfn

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