Feb. 26th 2012

Teens came home yesterday. I guess their visit with their dad went well. Rest of the family should be home today at some point. Really makes one think about all the times I complain about stupid stuff and boohoo about the little things that my family does to make me crazy cauz when their gone, I sure miss them. My last few weeks attitude of just running away from it all can be so further from what I feel right now. I have been struggling of the past few years with the idea of having graitude. I guess it's just easier to complain about what I dont have or what I think I need right now. Where I should be!!!! Those should's always seem to get in my way of what I have right in this immediate moment. I have a wonderful life!!!! Are there things about myself, my job, my marriage, money, relationships, me as a mom that could be tweeked? Always! What I need to do is start looking at what I DO have and stop bi**&n about what I don't. I sure can find something in everything to complain about and in the grand whole of all things what I complain about is honestly trivial. I have a nice home, it's not a mansion (been there done that), it has heat, food, a few beds, pleanty of electronics to keep me busy, a scrap supply to make anyone who likes to craft jelious. It's nicely decorated and for now, clean and neat. I AM NOT HOMELESS. I have a brand new car, that gets me to and from my part time job, that pays much better then miminal wage, is willing to pay for my schooling, offers me the opportunity to further my awareness of my skills with free and encouraged trainings. Nice people, who really want the best for their co-workers and an office mate who just in the few short months I've know him has come to me to offer concern and support when I have been "struggling". I AM NOT UNEMPLOYED. I have several years of education above and beyond many people who would have liked to have the opportunity to further their knowledge. I have several years of training in special skills that help prevent me from living in denial, and assist me in bringing awareness to others who might be suffering and offer them hope. I could if I wanted to return to school. I AM NOT UNEDUCATED. I have had and will continue to travel to many places and see many things. I have taken trips to Disney, California, Wyoming, Niagara Falls, NY City, Philly, AC, Washington, Vegas-baby!!! (just to name a few). When I am not taking trips I am engaged in activities that I enjoy; the theater, sporting events, hikes in the woods, camping, scrapping, shopping, swimming, etc. I have hobbies and leisure time to spend enjoying what I like. I AM NOT LIMITED. I have health insurance and can attend to any medical concerns that may arrise. I am healthy, my family is healthy. I do not have a chronic ailment and need ongoing medical care. I have the assurance that should I fall ill somone can help me get well. I AM NOT SICK. I have a belief. I belive in a God above who I feel watches over me and directs me. I have a sence of somthing greater then myself, a being that has a purpose for me and me alone. I believe that Jehus died for my sins. I have the freedom to have my beliefs. I AM NOT RELIGIOUSLY REPRESSED. I am surrounded by friends who call me, listen to me and who have always been there no matter what. Friends that may drift out of my life for a period of time and re-connect like there was a skip in that time. I have friends who love me no matter how awful I feel about myself. Friends that will let me make my bad choices and friends that will tell me straight up real deal, even when I don't want to hear it. I have friends that always have a smile for me, friends that have never once missed a childs birthday, a holiday party, and have acted as a hubby stand in. I AM NOT LONELY. I have money in my pocket. Yes, I do have bills, but they do get paid. I have never had to go without. I AM NOT POOR. I live in a country that allows me to live in peace, free of the fear of war at my front door, free to make my own choices. A country that allows me life liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. A country that offers freedom. I AM NOT IN FEAR. I have a family. I have four amazing children that even when I think I can not tolerate another "antic" I find that I am so proud of them. They are loving, kind individuals who each have their own personailites. My son is a gentle warm understanding young adult, who despite several odds has made some good decisions for himself and his future. He is incredibly easygoing. From him I have learned to sometimes let go. I have a beautiful daughter. She is resilant often stubborn, but tenatious as a result. I know that she will continue to make qustionable choices, but I am confident that she will learn from them. From her I have learned that it's okay to make mistakes, we grow as a result. I have a step-son, who has proven that hard work and consistency pays off. He is driven, embarks on a challenge. From him I learn to never give up. I have a baby. He's a nine year old baby, but my baby just the same. He is challenging, inquizative, bucks the system and incredibly bright. He is the child most like his father and most like me. He never forgets anything, and is sometime manulative because of this. He is black and white, says what he means and means what he says. He knows what's right has the facts and will fight it to the death. From him I learn that I do not have take something for fear I might hurt somones feelings. I have both of my parents. They are both still living, and both very much in my life. My mom is one of the most amazing people I know. She has supported me in everything and anything even if she got hurt as a result. She is selfless, all giving and honestly an angel on earth. I am truly blessed to have had and have this woman as my mom. I have a dad. He is brillant. Truly intelligent. Despite our differences, the challenges and the battles, he too has always been there for me. I have a husband. Wow!!! He is, no matter how much I complain, so much of everything to me. He has always, no matter how crazy, how foolish, how outlandous and stupid has supported me. He may joke and make fun, but he has never ever ever made me feel that I am not loved. He has always pulled through to make things right. He sacrifices himself for the good of his family. He's really a great guy and I am so fortunate to be his. He never complains, he love me even when I hate myself. He cleans, he cooks, he takes care of the kids, pays the bills, he even does my laundry. As if I have any room to bi%^&. My anger with him at times is my issue to prevent hurt if I lost him. I cannot imagin my life without any of the people in it. I AM NOT ALONE.
Wow! I totally did not plan to process all of the above, but it needed to be typed to help jog that memory of mine. Just where do I get off complaining about my poor pathic life? Sounds pretty good when I stand back and take a real look. Sure there are many things in my life I need to change, there is always going to be something I don't like....this is reality. But one thing I can do is stop complaining. Today I start practicing graitude instead of analyzing all things wrong.