Feb. 29th 2012

Good Morning Wednesday. Goodbye Feb!Anyone else look at the past and think, gee where did the time go? It really doesnt seem that long ago when.....Sometime I just gotta sing that Talking Heads song. "How did I get here?" "This isn't my beautiful life". I think Im getting better at staying in the today, but I do have a habit of wishing for and running to the "somedays". Have you ever watched a movie, heard a song, or hear someone recall something and the time frame it came out or happened, seems a million years ago, but the time or the event you can recall like it was yesterday. People talk about the 80's like they were the 50's and I think to myself, gee that wasn't really that long ago come on now. Sometimes my youngest will ask me silly questions like; did you have tv, cars, electricity when you were a kid? Really? Really? Wow!!! I think back and remember things that seem so vivid...they could never had taken place nearly 30 years ago. I have a few friends that are comming up to their 20th+ wedding anniversary, hellsbell I have a kid about to hit 19-. It seems like a flash those 20 years. I went to my HS reunion a few years back and as my hubby and I ate pizza accross the street of the venue (I hate sushi), I kept watching these bald men enter and thinking....maybe were at the wrong place or maybe there's a 40th reunion going on as well. Just where did the time go? Speaking of time I may have to think this thought through off the computer and in the shower....running late. TTFN

Feb. 28th 2012

Tuesday already? Because I only work four days a week, sometimes by the time Tuesday rolls around it feels like its been weeks since I last worked. I guess that can be considered a blessing sor some. Right now it just feels like...man back to work. I took the little guy into the Dr's. yesterday, he has a planters wart..yes YUCK! What was interesting is how they treat this, a little frost and duct tape. Weird right? Well now my son has duct tape on his foot. Guess we'll just have to see what happens. I got myself an appointment for an overhall check up in a few weeks. still need to call on a mammy. Enjoyed dinner with my mom, my eldest and my youngest last pm and then my little guy and I watched Puss and Boots as an evening treat. Hubby took advantage of some overtime and did the night shift. So here we are, looking at day one of my work week. trying hard to keep it in the positive. Forced smile. remember you have a job!!!!! I sometimes wonder if I would enjoy my job more if I didn't have the three day break in between. Maybe I should go back to work full time....What am I crazy? Hold out get your schooling done, get that last kid to an age where he can do more independently (without paying a sitter) and then think about returning full time, and then REALLY think if where I'm at is where I want to go back full time. Thought I would post my last four weeks of the 52 weeks this year. I started late so I'm glad I caught up. Working on week #7 (I think) this week. only 45 more weeks of 2012 to go! Wow when you think about it that way. There's alot one can do in 45 weeks. If I lost 2 pounds a week in 45 weeks, (Ok Pipe Dream) thats 90 pounds!!!! Certainly would get me to my DREAM weight. It would be great to bring in the new year weight loss then how much weight do I need to loose. If I save $20- a week for 45 weeks thats $900 bucks. Hey this is a cool idea. Thinking I might work on these little increments and see what happens. Plan to have a few more before the days up. Enjoy my layouts.

Feb. 27th 2012

Good Morning- I had a great weekend. I have been trying hard to incorporate my graitude and I really do have alot to be grateful for. Family is all home!!!! Back to normalacy! Starting diet one million and ten. Yeah- whatever. I have decided that instead of calling it a diet, instead simply a healthy meal plan. I suck at diets!!!!! I had some of my gal pals over yesterday for an afternoon of scrapping. I never get a whole lot done during these "open" scrap events that I host at my home, I tend to be more hostessing then working, but I did manage to catch up on my Weekly scrapping project- (Still lacking some pictures). I also found about 20 already colored and super cute cupcakes stamped by myself who knows when, so I made a bunch of easy birthday cards! (you can never have enough birthday cards). Best part of the day....family all home and seeing some of my great friends. To add to this amazing day, I got a CTMH order out of the deal, not a big buster of a sale but enough, a phone call from one of my bestest friends (whom I haven't spoke to in like forever), a bunch of big hugs from my little guy, and my hubby and I snuggled all night. Amazing the attitude change if you stopbeing so damn negative. So plans for today.....cleaning....you have guests at your home your definately gonna have to clean up, (well worth the mess) a little shopping- gotta get a meal plan in place for the week; especially if I'm gonna be diet(opps) I mean eating healthier. Do some phone calls to health providers; recognizing that I really need to get a physical (yuck), a mammy, and my little guy has a problem with his foot. (putting the dentist off till last- I HATE the dentist, not enough graitude in the world will put me in the positives for that one. Gonna do some checking into planning our family vacation. All parties that be...actually the two youngest, have deemed a trip to Hershey Park this year as vacation destination 2012. I've been, both little guys have been as well....not sure why this was identified a the #1 choice, but chocolate town USA here we come. Thoughts are cloudy as the week I planned to go is also week of graduation. ( I have a difficult time with crowds and try hard to coordinate trips to places that I know crowds will be at; ammusment parks mostly around the beginning or the ending of summer vacation. ) Our 2008 Disney trip was planned years in advance and well organized so we could avoid any and all crowds- we were, I must say for the exception of the Pirates of the Carribean and meeting Cpt. Hook crowdless. I am also big on preparing for these trips almost to the point that my family hates me. I'll boast that we did not miss a thing at Disneyworld thanks to my plan, fast passes, off season, and early arrival- we got to MGM so early the parking lot attendants were not even there yet, road the Yeti 2xs, kids flashed lightsabers at Darth Vadar, near front row seats for the Nemo Show and finnished Fantasy land within the time the PeterPan ride reported a wait time as we were leaving the area. I have also planned trips so well developed that we have found ourself standing around looking at each other because we had completed the agenda in 1/2 the time I planned and everyones looking at me saying....Now What? Lets just say Niagara Falls clifton Park area looks much more entertaining then it really is and does not take much time to stroll its high slooped streets. I have also had some very successful unplanned trips with very relaxed adgenda, but typically these have not been to ammusment parks. I guess I figure if I'm gonna pay all this money to come to some ammusment park- I'm gonna get all my bang for the buck.....and our family usually does! So where was I.....Hershey Park. Right! My original plan was to leave after work on Thurs. around 3pm drive straight to the Park, spend two days in the local area to maximize all that the area provides and head south to Lancaster- camp at Jellystone and return home by the following Thursday. Graduation is that Saturday. So change in plans. Leave Sunday- go camping enjoy Lancaster-see the Jonah show at sights and sounds theater, either got to Hershey from the camp ground one day, or leave Thursday and stay at Hershey for two days on our way home. So I'm torn. Gonna have to do some re-planning. I'm sure this has been so boring for you. Posting my weekly project and off to take care of business.

Feb. 26th 2012

Teens came home yesterday. I guess their visit with their dad went well. Rest of the family should be home today at some point. Really makes one think about all the times I complain about stupid stuff and boohoo about the little things that my family does to make me crazy cauz when their gone, I sure miss them. My last few weeks attitude of just running away from it all can be so further from what I feel right now. I have been struggling of the past few years with the idea of having graitude. I guess it's just easier to complain about what I dont have or what I think I need right now. Where I should be!!!! Those should's always seem to get in my way of what I have right in this immediate moment. I have a wonderful life!!!! Are there things about myself, my job, my marriage, money, relationships, me as a mom that could be tweeked? Always! What I need to do is start looking at what I DO have and stop bi**&n about what I don't. I sure can find something in everything to complain about and in the grand whole of all things what I complain about is honestly trivial. I have a nice home, it's not a mansion (been there done that), it has heat, food, a few beds, pleanty of electronics to keep me busy, a scrap supply to make anyone who likes to craft jelious. It's nicely decorated and for now, clean and neat. I AM NOT HOMELESS. I have a brand new car, that gets me to and from my part time job, that pays much better then miminal wage, is willing to pay for my schooling, offers me the opportunity to further my awareness of my skills with free and encouraged trainings. Nice people, who really want the best for their co-workers and an office mate who just in the few short months I've know him has come to me to offer concern and support when I have been "struggling". I AM NOT UNEMPLOYED. I have several years of education above and beyond many people who would have liked to have the opportunity to further their knowledge. I have several years of training in special skills that help prevent me from living in denial, and assist me in bringing awareness to others who might be suffering and offer them hope. I could if I wanted to return to school. I AM NOT UNEDUCATED. I have had and will continue to travel to many places and see many things. I have taken trips to Disney, California, Wyoming, Niagara Falls, NY City, Philly, AC, Washington, Vegas-baby!!! (just to name a few). When I am not taking trips I am engaged in activities that I enjoy; the theater, sporting events, hikes in the woods, camping, scrapping, shopping, swimming, etc. I have hobbies and leisure time to spend enjoying what I like. I AM NOT LIMITED. I have health insurance and can attend to any medical concerns that may arrise. I am healthy, my family is healthy. I do not have a chronic ailment and need ongoing medical care. I have the assurance that should I fall ill somone can help me get well. I AM NOT SICK. I have a belief. I belive in a God above who I feel watches over me and directs me. I have a sence of somthing greater then myself, a being that has a purpose for me and me alone. I believe that Jehus died for my sins. I have the freedom to have my beliefs. I AM NOT RELIGIOUSLY REPRESSED. I am surrounded by friends who call me, listen to me and who have always been there no matter what. Friends that may drift out of my life for a period of time and re-connect like there was a skip in that time. I have friends who love me no matter how awful I feel about myself. Friends that will let me make my bad choices and friends that will tell me straight up real deal, even when I don't want to hear it. I have friends that always have a smile for me, friends that have never once missed a childs birthday, a holiday party, and have acted as a hubby stand in. I AM NOT LONELY. I have money in my pocket. Yes, I do have bills, but they do get paid. I have never had to go without. I AM NOT POOR. I live in a country that allows me to live in peace, free of the fear of war at my front door, free to make my own choices. A country that allows me life liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. A country that offers freedom. I AM NOT IN FEAR. I have a family. I have four amazing children that even when I think I can not tolerate another "antic" I find that I am so proud of them. They are loving, kind individuals who each have their own personailites. My son is a gentle warm understanding young adult, who despite several odds has made some good decisions for himself and his future. He is incredibly easygoing. From him I have learned to sometimes let go. I have a beautiful daughter. She is resilant often stubborn, but tenatious as a result. I know that she will continue to make qustionable choices, but I am confident that she will learn from them. From her I have learned that it's okay to make mistakes, we grow as a result. I have a step-son, who has proven that hard work and consistency pays off. He is driven, embarks on a challenge. From him I learn to never give up. I have a baby. He's a nine year old baby, but my baby just the same. He is challenging, inquizative, bucks the system and incredibly bright. He is the child most like his father and most like me. He never forgets anything, and is sometime manulative because of this. He is black and white, says what he means and means what he says. He knows what's right has the facts and will fight it to the death. From him I learn that I do not have take something for fear I might hurt somones feelings. I have both of my parents. They are both still living, and both very much in my life. My mom is one of the most amazing people I know. She has supported me in everything and anything even if she got hurt as a result. She is selfless, all giving and honestly an angel on earth. I am truly blessed to have had and have this woman as my mom. I have a dad. He is brillant. Truly intelligent. Despite our differences, the challenges and the battles, he too has always been there for me. I have a husband. Wow!!! He is, no matter how much I complain, so much of everything to me. He has always, no matter how crazy, how foolish, how outlandous and stupid has supported me. He may joke and make fun, but he has never ever ever made me feel that I am not loved. He has always pulled through to make things right. He sacrifices himself for the good of his family. He's really a great guy and I am so fortunate to be his. He never complains, he love me even when I hate myself. He cleans, he cooks, he takes care of the kids, pays the bills, he even does my laundry. As if I have any room to bi%^&. My anger with him at times is my issue to prevent hurt if I lost him. I cannot imagin my life without any of the people in it. I AM NOT ALONE.
Wow! I totally did not plan to process all of the above, but it needed to be typed to help jog that memory of mine. Just where do I get off complaining about my poor pathic life? Sounds pretty good when I stand back and take a real look. Sure there are many things in my life I need to change, there is always going to be something I don't like....this is reality. But one thing I can do is stop complaining. Today I start practicing graitude instead of analyzing all things wrong.

Feb. 25, 2012

Having a hard time getting started this am. Almost 9am (late for me). Woke up with a "hang-over" and there was no alcohol put into this body. No tylenol in the house either. I went to retrieve some mini wheat cereal and theres nothing in the cupboard but kids cereal...resorted to Trix. Guess trip to the grocery should be on my list of things to do today. House is so silent without the family...it's kindof creepy. We had some strange wind blowing last night and even the dog was jummpy....made me keep thinking someone or something was in the house, didnt help I was falling asleep to Ghost Adventures. Had an amazingly good time last evening. Several of my gal pals and their spouses (my friend Mary was a hubby stand in), enjoyed an evening of improv. This "gem" of a find I believe will become a reoccuring place of entertainment. I am told the show resembles "Whats My Line", although I don't believe I ever saw it, it was pretty much unscripted humor....and boy was it funny. Unlike any other comedy show I have seen before, (always that fear that you might be heckeled), audiance particpation was encouraged but not forced, although we did kind of FORCE Mary to get up there. She did and was a great sport about it. Very laid back, run with it humor, relaxed setting, tear provoking laughter, and good friends made it quite the night. Its so fun to get out of the house and do something!!! Did find myself feeling jelious while looking at facebook friends pictures of their Mid- winter break vaca. Longing for the warm beaches and short wearing wheather. Warm wheather comming to NY anytime soon? Plan for the day; clean, shop, scrap! But first I am going to take a nap and try to rid this headache!

Friday Feb. 24th 2012

I so curse the On Demand channels. Last evening I went on Demand to catch the last few minutes of "Face Off" as I had fell asleep the night before and missed the last looks. Damn if I dont see this promo for another syfy show called "Lost Girl". I am a big True Blood fan, read every Sookie book, watched and read every Twlight, and I usually cant wait for Sunday night to watch Once Upon a Time.....I Guess I'm a BIG sucker for those Fantasy shows and once I got a taste of Lost Girl, I was hooked. The promo said new, so I thought Okay, when am I ever in contol of the TV, have it all to myself, no interuptions, no cartoon network and its new, whats one episode?...So I figured I watch an episode and see what I thought. Six episods later and 9pm at night I finally got myself off the couch and thought gee I better get sone things done around here and get ready for bed soon. I enjoyed the show, but Im angry at myself for letting my night of just me become absorbed by that idiot box that allowed me to transend into another world for nearly six hours. (at least I could fast forward through the commercials, or it would have been closer to 10pm when I snapped out of my tv induced coma.) My home always has some visual stumulis running weather it be a television, a computer, an ipad, x-box, wii and so on and so on. It's almost never quiet. I cant even sleep without that stupid tv running all night. How did I get here? I have never been a totally silent all electronics off kind of a gal, but I never would have found myself six hours deep into the television later going OMG the days is done and I missed most of it. My whole family is hooked ( except for my daughter, shes far to socially involved to be slowed down by meaningless electronics). Last nights COMA was not the first time I have spent several hours fixed at the screen, there have been many a day/evening/night where I suddenly AWAKE and find hours have past and I have not noticed, so what is so BIG about last night? Well, I guess last night was the first time I really thought what a WASTE!!!! There are times in the early hours of the am that I will wake up with anxiety about all the things I should have done, need to do, HAVE to do and I'll obsess about it, cant get back to sleep as a result and it will impact my day. Well if I had NOT spent the day before watching hours of mindless TV or scrolling through some strangers blog, playing jungle jewel for the 100th time then maybe just maybe I would have had those things done. Its an ADDICTION!!!! I work with reovering drug/alcohol addicts every day. Their "diease" is pretty black and white! They use a substance and their lives are unmanagable, so they have to stop. Perhaps being in an electronics based coma is not exactally the same as using crack, but I'm pretty darn close to needing an intervention!!!! (Speaking of coma...I just realized I have less then an hour to get myself ready for work). SEEE!!!!! How easy it is to get sucked in!!!!! Long and short of it!!!! I've gotta get a handle on this. I will start right now by committing to one hour of computer at most daily. I am gonna think about the TV time a little more and write about it in my 1-hour tomorrow. Til then tic tic tic hours well run out!

Feb. 23, 2012

Week is moving along. Family is all gone. Home alone! Even the teens are taking off. My two "big" kids are off to their fathers today. That should be interesting. long pause.....He has always been the "Santa Claus" kind of dad. Imaginary, left up to interperation, shows up once a year with goodies. (many times without goodies, often just shows up and he's not as perdictable as Santa.) This week he pulled out the Santa card and at the last minute...my teens are reporting a trip to see their "Dad". I've never stopped them from seeing him, never said ill will of him, I have let their own young minds decide what kind of a father he is to them and left it at that. He has and he will (although he is totally dillusional) report to the day of his death he has done the "best that he can" as a father. Many would rebuttal that statement, but he is who he is. I long stopped being bitter that he has been "unable" (I use that word simply because I cannot imagin another) to be a father to his kids. For a long time my son decided to just forget about him and clearly noted he didnt need the stranger known as his father. My daughter, well she struggles with hero complex and has decided that this man is truly amazing and the only man who really loves her. I have to admit he has been more involved witth the both of them since they have become teens so I will give him that. Unfortunately his relationship with them more resembles a buddy, pal, dude, and friend then a father! Of course when confronted on some of his "bad" behaviors regarding the kids he attempts to sound mature and parental. Not even gonna go there. I tried to fix him 17 years ago.....he's still broken and I learned a hard lesson...you can't "fix" another human being. ( not that I haven't pulled out my human fixing toolbox since, but I am better.) Enough about that...kids are happy to see him, and that is all that I can want. Was hoping to have some time this weekend just with them, but I get them all the time....I'm okay with it. Besides....they don't stay to long with me before some friend calls and I fall short. Last evening was cake decorating 101 class #3. Here are my bizzare flowers. I only had so much icing since last week the class was CA last minute I had covered thouse cup cakes leaving only a little bit left so I had to make what I had stretch, plus I think my icing was to soft. Blue icing makes such nice magnollia's and soft icing makes them wilt just slightly. I think they still look pretty cool...Just add spongebob or the little mermaid and those are some really awsome under water cup cakes. Enough for me I'm running late anyways.. See what happens when the hubby isn't around to get me up and make my coffee, plus I gotta take the garbage out.

Wednesday Feb. 22

HUMP day as they say. Not sure if Iam excited about this Wednesday as My hubby leaves today, and by the time I get back from work this pm....It's me going SOLO til Sunday. Guess I'll have to keep myself busy. Enjoyed a nice dinner with two of my gal pals before the theater where we met up with my mother. Le Miserables was amazing. I always get a little irratated when I watch a performance that is ALL singing (I have never attended an Opera, although isn't a play that they sing through really an opera?). I find it hard to follow the plot when they sing. But this was pretty great. It took me a minute or two to get what was going on, mainly because I am not so aware of French history (or much of the US history for that matter), but as the performace continued I started to get it!!! The music was wonderul, the stage and props were just outstanding, and I really did try not to cry at the end. Had a tough day at the job, but I decided that if Im gonna get this licensure done I better take the steps I need to take. Did a quick look at the course work offered at SU and there is one class that I could take during the summer. Long hours two days a week, but that will get one done, and we will have to see what the fall semester looks like for the rest. Cursing myself for not getting this done a long time ago. Going back to school is a whole lot harder when your older and I'm so less inspired to put the work in. I think many would agree that once you've obtained your Masters degree and you suddenly find yourself working in a position that you could have had before your Masters (in many cases before you even have your bachlors) Loose that one position your degree is suitable for and wake up one day to find that that damn Masters degree isn't worth a thing without the licensure that your degree doesnt meet because it was in place before the licensure was. Now I find myself having to go back and get this done just so I can go back to a job I once had. Guess I had better just stop complaining about it and get er done. Going to do some more research this wek just to make sure I got my ducks in a row. It's been 8 years since I took a college course and the whole idea of taking one freaks me out, I really done know where to start. Till then I guess.

Tuesday Feb. 21, 2012

Good Morning- Gonna find it difficult to type as my hubby is here making fun of me...in a loving way. I just can't absorb myself in my thoughts. I guess thats okay because I really dont have any inspirational thoughts anyways. Enjoyed a lazy day of several hours of CSI and a nice dinner out with my mom and my daughter. It's nice to have time for the three of us. It's hard to believe that my little girl is almost an adult. 17 this year and my eldest will be 19 in just a few short months. We went to Michales after dinner and I took advantage of the 25% off everything coupon. There were so many spring colors and flowers and cute items I wanted to go a little CRAZY, but did well and spent less than $14-. I dont get out to Michales much we have a Hobby Lobby, an AC Moores, and a JoAnnes just minutes from me, Michales is father out. So this was a great treat. Work today, trying hard to keep reminding myself that its just a job and not my identity. Tonight is the theater with two of my gal pals who incidentily had a birthday within the last few days so it will be nice to spend the evening with them. Dinner and then "Les Mis". This is the second year that I purchased the broadway series tickets. Every month or so I get to see a little broadway in my own home town. Three top favorites so far; The Lion King, The Color Purple and Legally Blonde! Tonights show should rate as one of the best based on the reports. Gee, my hubby really needs to go back to work....no more vacation time for you!!!! He thinks he's entertaining. Guess, Id better give him a little attention before I hit the day running.

Monday Feb. 20th Presidents Day

Weeekend over...Bummer. No kids for the rest of the week. I guess I should be excited. I just can't seem to find anything to do with myself. Did some house cleaning right down to the stripping of the sheets, scrubbing of the tubs, dusting, and windows. Watched a movie at 7am this morning. (Body woke up at the normal week time 5am). I guess I could hit the scrapping, but I still havent developed those 101 pictures and I keep adding more to the memory card, and although its fun to make potential pages, I really would like to have some finished work. Maybe I'll take myself to the store and have a bunch done. My hubby and I had a cheep dinner out last night. We went to CiCi's Pizza place. Its a Pizza Buffet!!!! I had a coupon and we had no food to cook (still don't, but I have dinner plans til Wednesday night.) Grocery shopping???Maybe on Thursday. I was introduced to CiCi's pizza in Maryland when my daughters girlscout troop took a trip to Washington DC. This cheep all you can eat pizza buffet was a BIG score for the girls after hours at the Musems, statue viewing, The White House and metro trips. CiCi's won big again when the family hit Orlando and the big Disney World vacation in 2008. We enjoyed it so much we ate there 2 times during that week. There wasnt a CiCi's local until just reciently at least to my awareness, so for $12- (cheeper then if we hit Micky D's) we had a salad, pleanty of pizza, desert and an endless supply of diet coke. (funny isn't it to have a diet soda when one just ate an entire weeks worth of calories.) Not so romantic, but it was nice to get out together...we needed that. I always get excited when I can get a deal anyways so I was already in a good mood when the bill for two adults to eat like pigs was only $12-. Trying to starve myself today...I'm off to dinner again tonight with my mom and tomorrow I have theater tickets with the girls and dinner was planned into it....oh yeah and Friday I have a dinner date before the comedy show. Last Friday - Friendly's, Sat was Pier 57, Sunday was CiCi's tonight is Zebbs, tomorrow has not been clarified and out again this coming Friday .....Gee and I wonder why I am so fat and broke. Diet will have to start once the family is all back from vacation and were back into routine. Have a few discount coupons for today only at AC Moore- (55% off) might have to hit the stores before the night falls on us. Back to work tomorrow....I'm not gonna worry about it...I'm not. For now I am just gonna relax and enjoy the fact that I am no longer stewing in my anger at my hubby and that I dont have to watch spongebob or wait for the computer. Happy Presidents Day!!!!

Feb. 19th 2012

Good Morning!!!! Yesterday was quite the event!!! My step son had his Karate graduation!!! The performance was amazing and we are so proud of him. 2nd degree blackbelt. They had several board breaking demos, I enclosed pictures here. I was out of this world, and we had great seats! After the show we relaxed in the hotel hot tub, did a little swimming, had a nice late lunch early dinner and went home. Hubby fell asleep and I did too shortly after. Busy but relaxing! My youngest is off to his Bubbe's house for the week, going to meet them at the hotel before they leave and I'm off to church. After that the house is going to be pretty quiet! My hubby is planning on leaving for Lake George with out Karate all star on Wednesday so it will be me, the teen (who is never home anyways) and the dog again for the weekend. Fortunately I have a pretty busy week ahead of me with lots to do so there shouldn't be any time to miss them much. I will anyways, who am I kidding. Still in stand off with the husband. He really is stubborn. I know it isn't healthy, isn't right and all those other things, but I refuse to cave in. Its his turn to approach me and say hey lets work on this. I know....there shouldn be a tic for tac, but come on, I always make the first move! Anyways like I said I've got alot on my plate this week and we have alot of time with NO distractions (at least till Wednesday) so at some point soon well have to sit down and discuss all of this. Sending pics of Karate!

Feb. 18th 2012

The breaking of the BOARDS!!!!

Last evening was exciting. Once the family all arrived home from work school and out of town we headed to enjoy my step sons Karate event. (big show is today). Last night was an intro to what we will be seeing today and BOARD BREAKING!!!! I have to say I was pretty impressed. It is so nice to see the end result he worked so hard at getting to this pt. (2nd degree black belt). The way they moved was like dance all synchronized and with music. It was pretty amazing. I really cant wait to see more this afternoon. We had pretty good seats right up close, but after 2 and 1/2 hours of sitting on high school benches crowded between many people I was done. My back was killing me, had it been an unexciting event I may have just walked. Glad I didn't it was quite enjoyable. Once they had done a practice of the stage show it was on to breaking the boards. (I thought that only happened in the movies). I was awed watching boards breaking left and right with what appeared to be little effort even from little girls that had to be younger then my son. It was truly amazing! My step son broke a board with his hand and one with his foot. Pretty freeken COOL. Once it was all over we found a Friendly's had a nice dinner and it was soon 9:30 and time for bed. Long day with work, mother in law, benches and slow waitresses but outweighed by income, family, an amazing display of my step son's abilities and achievements and of course a turkey club melt with a dip of my spoon in my son's monster mash sundae. Cheers!

TGIF-Feb. 17th 2012

Made it to another weekend!!!! My mother in law is coming into town this weekend and we all have plans to enjoy my step son's Karate. Tonight is board breaking and tomorrow is the graduation show! I gotta give his mother credit...with practices three to four times a week, early weekend mornings in the cold, late Friday night practices...and she doesnt miss a one, even if my husband is bringing him. I really dont know if Id have the dedication. I would squak at any of my own kids rehersals, practices, dance and games and most of those for the exception of my daughters theater was at most two days a week. My youngest has shown an interest in football and around here if your playing popwarner football your a parent "invested" not just with time but money, volunteer, bake sales and solicitation of raffle tickets. So if he's gonna do it....I guess I better learn to be one of those kinds of parents. When I was a kid, I played HOCKEY (yeah girls hockey). It was pretty much unheard of unless you lived boardering Canada. We were the only local team, so that pretty much ment we had MILEs to go to play a game some games in Canada...and guess who drove, put up hotel money, dropped off and pick up from practice at sometimes 5am on a cold Sat. morning? My MOM!!!! Gotta love her....maybe I'm just to selfish? I guess if my kids were committed to something I'd do it too. I might grumble through it, but I'd stick it out. Wow- my husbands ex would be shocked to hear that I admire much of anything about her....(must have taken some happy pills this am). Bubbe on her way, house somewhat straighten up, chicken wing dip in the crock pot (I love that stuff!!!!) Looks like things are in order. Posted pictures of all my sons valentines and look at this cute mp3 player made of candy!! to Cute.

Feb. 16th 2012

Well....weeks is almost over. There really isn't much going on!!! Survived work, made it home made a big batch of frosting for my cake decorating class, did a mad dash to the grocery store, went to class only to find sitting in my seat at class was an elderly lady with a quilt square. WT? Somehow they double booked the room. Class is CA!!!! Well a little disappointed I went home. Maybe I should have taken my butt to the gym instead, but relieved that I really didn't have much else that I HAD to do for the evening I went home. Been working on my week to week scrapbook, I just need my pictures developed to finalize and I'm actually caught up to the current week. I have enjoyed putting together a weekly "diary" of my life. What has been fun is I wouldnt usually scrap most of this stuff, and I have using up my old stuff. It's alot easier to find scraps of paper to fit a 4x6 mini page then a 12x12. Plus Im diging into my old stickers I've had left around for years. Great idea!!! Thanks for the challenge whoever came up with it. Today is my low key day at work,. No group scheduled just individual session. Pretty much a day to catch up on back work, and I feel pretty caught up already (knock on wood, that never happens and I shouldnt speak of it...). Spoke with my dear friend Kelly last night. Damn do I miss her. She moved to Fl about six-seven years ago. I've been fortunate that she has made several visits back north, Ive made one down south, and we call all the time, but it would be nice to have her here all the time. We met in the HEY Day of our wild and crazy bachlorette days. Yes we were wild. Found our "true " (not really) loves around the same time had children and as it happened found ourselves as single parents together. If your gonna have to raise children alone may you be as fortunate to have at least one awsome gal pal whose going through it with ya. (not that I would wish single parenthood on anyone) it was just easier to have somone who was dealing with all that single parenthood had to bring with it with you. So she was there during some hard times, certainly some happier times and boy was it nice to have her this time. Looking at the clock it appears that despite the written word that there was not alot going on I have certainly found a way to make the time pass, and I had better get a move on. TTFN.

Feb 15th 2012

Better today. Still have some lingering anger, but better. I was able to make some sugar cookies that I found in the fridge and the kids helped to decorate! I made some Valentines day cards and a nice dinner. Irritability still lingers with my husband....I still feel the issue was left unresolved, and I feel like we have the same argument over and over and over again! My relationship tendencies are to shut down and get out. Of course I haven't acted on that in many many years and I havent thought about leaving my husband, but I can feel myself shutting off. A big warning sign for me is when they breathe and it reminds you of someone running their nails down a chalk board..Thats when I know I'm on my way to DISENGAGE! For the most part I tend to be Pissed off for a few days and move on. It be a lot easier to move on, if the issue was different or even if I felt like we were on the same damn page with things. For the record; No he is not having an affair and No I am not in any way shape or form being abused. On that same note, I'm not having an affair or abusing him either. Things do have to change however...and apparently I'm the only one who can make a change if I'm the one who continues to be bothered by it. For now, I'm gonna sit comfortably in my distance! On to better things. Work today! My daughter gets TB reading #2 for clinical, cake decorating tonight and I think that new show faceoff is on at 10pm. (totally think what they do with makeup and a little casting mold is amazing)! For the most part, it could be a decent day!!!! Here are some pics of valentines day treats.

Valentines Day 2012

I let my anger get the best of me yesterday, and I'm still stewing in it. Trying hard to let it go and enjoy the "sweetness" of today, but it's not going so well. An argument with my little one about not having his winter coat (he left it at his Bubbe's) lead into a full blown war yesterday morning, and then later an issue arrose with my SO. After my daughters medical appointment and a quick dash to find a winter coat (only to have my son decline the one I found), all children were at school and the stew fest began. It pretty much lingered throughout the day and my later surprise put me into such a FUNK I spent the day trying to shake my irritability by catching up on The True Blood series #2. This helped a little. Rest of the night continued my pout fest and I didn't stray to far from the security of my couch (remote tightly in hand). This morning, I find myself caught in a big case of the F-it's as one might say, not thrilled that I actully have to get myself out of a pair of sweats pants, put on a happy face and take my joyful self off to work. Although I had all day yesterday to make some valentines for my family and I had so hoped to make a cake with my new skills....I did nothing. Regretful yes, but I really just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and stay hidden for eternity. It used to be that the reality of things I could handle, I just dont know why I find that at this stage of my life...I really don't want to step up to the plate. I'm so tired all the time, I more often then not force myself to enjoy the moments...I so just want to throw my hands up in the air and say...Oh well!!! What do I care. Sad part about it, is sometimes I really don't CARE. The truth in that statement scrares me to death! With that I guess I had better put on a fake smile, get myself prepared for the day and ready to roll. Maybe after I get out of this house and my work day ends, I will feel more ready to embrace my family and celebrate Valentines Day. I still have time to put together a heart cake and I do have my chocolate gifts to give.

Feb. 13th 2012

These are the layouts we made at Consulant Club- Designs by Sandy VanNorstrand my amazing upline and dear friend.

I must have been in the delorian yesterday. I thought it was Feb. 11 all day. Missed the 12th of the month somehow. Sunday was uneventful. Infact I really don't have much to say. Family returned! Worked on Nick's financial aide. Did more scrappin. Caught up on the weeks that I missed to be on the current week so I can continue to scrap my life one week at a time. Made speghetti for dinner, helped the little guy with his first take home project, and watched Once Upon a Time before bed. Way to much action for one day. Not! I am excited for the next two weekends, although my hubby will not be around for our big date night with everyone; I'm gonna go with another friend whose hubby wont be around as well. We have Karate, Karate and more Karate next weekend, then hubby and kids gone again for the Feb. break! Guess I'll be doing more scrappin. Well, I had better get ready for the day. My daughter has more shots for clinical this am, and I gotta get the little guy ready for school.

Feb. 11, 2012

Good Morning- I thought I had my day planned out yesterday. Cleaning, shopping, scrapping. I did all three, but the time frame didnt stretch and at about 4pm I was missing my family, the house was making (it's to quite) noises, and I was board! My daughter....reported she needed a "girls night" and went to her friends house...well hello!!! I'm a girl don't I count? TG my friend and neighbor rescued me and she and her hubby kept me entertained til about 11pm. We watched "redkneck vaction" (Or maybe it was hillbillie vacation) I dont know, but it kept us entertained. House was cleaned by 10 am, I went thrifty shopping, had my favorite soup at Wegmans (Cheddar Broccoli) took a sub to go for my dinner, (I ate my lunch at the Wegman's cafe- I have decided that Wegmans is the Disneyworld of groceries, everyone was SO gosh darn NICE!- Thank you Danny) went to both Joanne's and AC Moores. I skipped Hobby Lobby, (I was only suppose to be window shopping, and I had already maxed any budget) so I decided I'd better go home. Got home and started to scrap. I had seen a post about a weekly scrap of one's life and although were at week 5 of the New Year, I started the first and second week (shown here). I've got all day today, so I'm gonna try and get caught up. I have been hitting up my sticker stash from about five years ago to make this project come to life. What fun. No pictures from about Jan. 1-Jan. 20th as my camera was broken and in the shop. This was the second year I didnt get any Christmas or G-mans Birthday pictures. (Whats with that? I seem to break a camera every year.. and around the same time). I had hit the thrifty store, looking for some hidden gems (no luck). The furniture prices for second hand stuff seems high to me, I did find this cute set of scrubs for my daughter at $3- and I got each member of the family a little box of chocolates for V-Day! It was really quite an enjoyable day! TTFN- Off to Church, get a Sunday Paper so I can plan my attack on the grocery store with my COUPONS and weekly meal planner, then to scrappen while I await the return of my family. God Bless!

Feb. 11, 2012

Saturday morning!!!! I'm home alone for the weekend, for the exception of Peanut (the dog) and my teen aged daughter who will barely be here anyways. Actually quite enjoying the demand free moments. Made these cute valentines for my youngests third grade class. Pretty gross with the cockroaches....but he loves them. I FOUND THEM OFF PINTEREST- Since I do not know the source, I am THANKING them just the same. I am sure they will be a BIG hit!!! I enjoyed last evenings Consultants Club. We played with the CTMH Victory paper pack and Sandy's magic made them look totally "non-male". Ever wonder just how the house gets so darn messy? I swear just two weeks ago I spent all day doing a deep clean and the house already looks like a bomb went off. There really only four of us that spend anytime here.....just how do we make such a mess? So...today the plan is to pump my 80's music and clean. Later I hope to be creative in my little (diningroom) craftroom. I think I'm gonna do some window shopping too.I really was inspired by the vintage Valentine's I saw on someones blog and I am hoping I can find some scrapping paper with the "vintage" look so I can create some valentine decorations. I also want to explore some ideas for my family for Valentines day. Thinking a nice dinner, and maybe I will make a cake. I've never been "big" on the holiday, which would explain why there are so few valentines decorations and really nothing in my stash (even hearts) to pull out and create with. Trying to be thrifty (gotta keep my eye on the fact that I have commited to saving $100- from this paycheck for that application.) I havent gone grocery shopping yet this week, so I've gotta look at what we have and plan out this weeks meals. I also am going to splurge and order some CTMH stuff. Anyway you divide it...it's gonna be tight. We recieved Nick's acceptance to college letter yesterday. I was gushing all over, he seemed to act as if he already knew. He reported he did. I still am proud. This is my kid who just two years ago reported he was gonna quit school and get his GED. This is the same kid who three years ago I was arguing with the school counselor that he was NOT going to be on my couch, living off me, woking some menial job at the age of 25. This is the same kid who from the age of five was so distracted, and struggling so much with school was evaluated and found to have ADHD. This is also the same kid whose assistance teacher (he was in added help and had an IEP) had the BALLS to tell me I needed to get help with my parenting skills or at least therapy, because I refused to "hold his hand" through his education process. So with that said...you can imagin how PROUD I am to recieve such a letter. Great thing about it is....he did this all on his own. How's that for NOT holding his hand through his education process. Funny how when we stop enabling others they seem to rise to the occation. (still holding my breath over my daughter with this one, but she seems pretty determined.) Thing is she only see's the goal and not the steps she needs to get there. Gee!!!! I wonder who that sounds like?????? Well the day is already creeping away and I only have like48 hours of 'just me" and the dog, so I better get a move on. TTFN!

Feb. 10th 2012

TGIF- So glad its Friday. Thursday went quick I did alot of work and got caught up on several things which is always nice. I was going to go with my family (2 of the 6) to Lake George this weekend for My Husbands friends 40th birthday, but I have so much to do and my daughter has to work on Sat. so my hubby was nice enough to let me stay home and do me. I need this weekend. Tonight is consultant club with my favorite upline Sandy. I am excited to play with the new papers and her ideas are always great. I have been so behind with my CTMH business that I haven't even purchased a piece of new stuff. I really need to do so. Plus I need to get on the girls to have a play date. Only a few more weeks in Feb. so I had better get a move on with that! Gotta get on the horn with my daughters medical to re-schedule her PPD again. She needs to have two done within a two to four week period for her to start clinical. She finally had her blood done yesterday. Clinical starts the first week in March. Nothing like waiting till the last minute. We did one series of the TB, but as always something came up for the second. The first time we were on the wrong day and nonone could be available to read the results two days later. My hubby took her to getthe blood work done and he forgot the insurance cars so that didnt happen. It has truly been an ordeal to take care of this..and now were scrambling to get this done. Printed up the little guys Valentine's day cards. I found the template off pinterets. I will post later when they are complete. I had originally started to make monkey heads out of punches, and found that I just was not in the mood to punch 100 plus shapes and glue them together, so quick change up...thank you computer printer and idea from pinterest. I needed printer ink so we took a trip to K-Mart...(secretly I had planned to look at lawn furniture etc. and start a layaway plan). loooking loooking looking....I needed a new gazabo (sp) so that was really the plan. I found that I was not happy with any of them and $500 on sale was not worth it especially if I am not to fond of it. Got my cart full of assorted other items, but nothing worthy of layaway....I find a $300 grill on clearance for $149- I am psyched!!!! Here's fathers day!!! Drag the grill and assorted items to the layaway dept. ring the bell and find that clearance items are not layawayable! BUMMER!!!!! So wish I had an extra $100 laying around, but I have committed to saving $100 for my licensure application and as I mentioned I want to buy some new CTMH stuff. Missing the days when I was making $60.000.00 + a year instead of my $20,000.00 now. Curse YOU enconomy!!!!! Any hoot, I have till spring to get my garden all set and if I work it just right I should have the extra money for my application by mid March and plenty of time before spring hits. So excited for the maleless weekend, and taking care of me. Crafting, cleaning, gym and the girls here I come!!!! Sorry Matt, happy 40th anyway!!!!

Feb. 9th 2012

Happy Thursday!!!! I made it through the day. This 'new" attitude has really been helpful. I was tempted to complain about my job yesterday but I stopped myself and actully my issue worked out. Enjoyed my second cake decorating class last evening. I know its not perfect and my cake was too short to torte, but I was impressed with myself. Last time I frosted a cake I lifted the top off with it and pretended the tin foil was the reason it was such a mess. Two more weeks and I'll be a pro. Today is my Step-son Ben's 13th birthday!!!! As the kids get older, it just reminds me of how fast time flies. I have been the perpetual can't wait to get this day over for so long that sometimes I forget to just enjoy the today! Although I was not there on the day of his birth, I have been there to see him grow from a scared shy little guy to this amazingly active and driven teen. My daughter and I have a date to get her blood work done this pm. Not that she is ill, because she is not fortunately, but she needs to have bllod drawn for her to engage in her clinical at school. She is taking the nursing program at BOCES and needs to have her own medical all taken care of. My female child (the only one of the four) has been my biggest challenge. She has tested my wills and my patience more so then any child could. My mom has reported its payback. If thats the case I am sooo praying that she doesnt see the need to TOP my behaviors. Looking back....I dont know how my mom survived. I was a terrible teen. It appears that for now, the worst is behind us. (Crossing fingers, toes, strands of hair). Its kindof like PTSD....I'm still on guard for Linda Blair to come back...commence the throwing of the Holy water. For now, I am pleased that she is taking responsibility for her behaviors. Speaking of responsibility...I guess I should get on my own and get off this machine so I can get ready for the work day. Til next time.

Feb. 8th 2012

Wow! Did I have alot on my mind yesterday. So what steps have I taken since my last entry? I did watch what I was eating the whole day yesterday and I did not to bad. I didnt make a gym run, but I did go to the grocery store and made some wise purchases. Salad, fruit etc. The one big thing that I did do was spoke with one of my old dear friends about the going back to school. She was a real motivator and has given me a deadline to get the funds together for the licensure application. The fee is $371- . I dont have an extra $1- these days so I recall that this financial ROADBLOCK has been a big part in why my pursuit to obtain this piece has been delayed. So the agreement was, I will take $100- from my next three paychecks and bug my hubby for the additional $71- so that I can have the application submitted by the middle of March. She is working on her own application to law school and has reported her own deadline at the end of Feb. Having an extra support in this cant hurt and she is a big cheerleader! Once my application is submitted, NY state will finally agree to "speak" to me (they had refused before stating until I have to submit my application and fee, before they could help me.) thanks NY. Anyways once I can speak with them i should be able to get a clear picture of what courses I need to take to meet their educational requirements. What happened is I graduated prior to the licensure being in place. I never submitted my application to be "grandfathered in" so I lost that opportunity. Now if I want the licensure I gotta go back and get the course work required. Thing is noone is willing to tell me what that might be. So until I get that taken care of Im stuck. Good news is that I may be eligable to get remitted tutition from my employer. So that being said...FREE classes is FREE classes and I might as well take advantatge of it. Plan is tby March have said application submitted, by April have a good idea about what is expected for the schooling. By May have spoken to the school identified what classes I can getin (I may need to apply) which could suck because my home school agreed to let me wave the application/acceptance and simply let me take the coursework I need. Since I didnt graduate from SU, this may mean I will have to enter as a brand new student. Bummer. Long story short. Have everything lined up, classes ready to be taken...beg for the re-mitted tutition from my employer and I should be ready to go back by Sept. In the mean time, I am excited to report that I have followed up on my News Years resolution to learn new things and have cake decorating class 101 again tonight. Very excited! And I am excited to report that I had an awsome furniture find. Two lawn chairs- they need the pillow seats, but what a great $6- find. I also did make one item I saw on pinterest. Nothing really to technical, but hey I did do it. (attempting to post). Making this blog be my accountability!!! Looks like I left little time for myself to get ready for work, so till next time. I am feeling more productive today and yes...there is a smile sitting on my face.

POOR Pathetic me-get REAL4REAL

Now that I have had my POOR little me session. I guess it is time to get REAL4REAL! Interestingly enough, I have never been one to just let life happen to me. There was once this woman who knew for sure who she was and if she wasn't sure she sure knew how she was gonna get there. That same women seems like a shadow of the person I have now become, but I can't let this be it. I refuse to report...this is as good as it gets!!! Funny how when I was identifying all the negative in my existance I could type on and on, but as I think about what it means to get real...I'm at a loss. When you feel like your life is so off it's course, just where do you begin to find a starting point? Well? Okay....you can only start where your at. Step 1, Dot to Dot, A to Z. Let me find my letter A. I guess my A would be DONT GET DISCOURAGED Life happens and there are going to be roadblocks. Like yesterday for example; I have Mondays off from work and I have been charting, reporting and planning to commit to the YMCA aquatics on Monday mornings for FOREVER. (I went once since my plan was started in September). There just always seems to be something that comes up. Yesterday was a bust for this as I had to get my car serviced atthe exact same time as the class. ROADBLOCK- Now instead of deciding Oh well, I guess I will start again next Monday (because there will most likley be another road block), I could have gone to a later class, ran the tread mill, or taken Zumba (after all that is when all of your friends go anyways). Instead I decided it was a bust sat at the dealership watching court tv and eating their nicely provided high cal. mufins, There will always be next Monday. Hasn't this been the theme of my existance for the last several years? STOP IT!!!! Time SLOWS for NO man, and all Ihave been doing is missing time/moments/memories/enjoyment/YEARS are passing by as I wait for next Monday to start LIVING!!!! B. LIVE IN THE NOW. ToDAy is all we are promiced! So yes, I am not in my routine today and I should be at work right now finninshing the 101th thing that really really really needs to be done yesterday. But all I have is today. Instead of being angry that I am missing time at work perhaps I need to be cuddling with my little guy watching cartoons, clearly being home has forced me to take a look at myself and maybe make a positive step. C. TAKE THE STEP. This could mean both literly and figeritivly. (spelling will always be not so good, dont see any changes going on in that direction). Steps in walking, steps in action/movement, RISK and steps in taking my life back!!! taking the STEPS in Risk should really be my A. because ultimately whats really holding me back from making any changes is that with change is RISK! And what goes with risk? FEAR! Isn't it fear that really prevents most of us from doing things different? Well, I think I'm gonna just sit and think about that one for a bit before I decide to make yet another list of the things that I need to do on my way to making action. I have made way to many lists. So I've got an A. Dont get discouraged. B. Live in the now. C. Take the Step. Theses seem to be some good starting points.

Feb 7th cont.

Feb. 7th 2012

So My promice to blog on a regular basic has gone to the wayside, as most of my plans seem to do. I am home with a "sick" child today, and spent most of my free morning exploring pinterest and was routed to a few inspirational blogs. Which as the word would note...inspired me to get a move on!!! The blogs that had me hooked for most of this am were weight loss journey's and one by a women who is every bit as close to a real Mary Poppins as one can be and as in Mary Poppins- "perfect in every way" there was more envy in reading her blog then inspiration, so I placed my attention on the stories of two women who made their weight loss goal a reality. (I really should note their blogs on here and if I ever figure out how to make this blog more reader friendly I will). For now, I am just going to report that both of these women seem to make a decision for themselves and went for it. I am and feel I have been STUCK for so long that it has become who I am. Oh not that I dont try to get myself out of it; I've made my declaimer that this is it....I've made charts and lists and discussed the plans. I just never seem to take the action. This of course is in reference to my weight, but not just the pounds that continue to build upon my frame, but in most everything in my life. As it occurs there is almost always somthing that gets in the way. Not enough money, a sick child, an inconvenence, wait til Monday, after the Holidays, gotta work, don't have to work, kids are driving me insane, just didn't feel like it, that time of the month, its just to much work...the list goes on and on and on. I just seem to be paralyzed by taking the steps towards making any and all changes.
To start; I weigh somewhere in the kneck of 100 pounds more then when I married my hubby ten years ago. And I thought I was fat then.
For the last three years I have either been not working or working and hating everything about my job. The later is the more recent and everyone is tired of hearing me complain.
My house has more messes and problems then I know where to start. I take the time to start a project I never finnish, and I simply give up.
I had started the year with the intention of doing one art project a week, I have done about three in total.
I feel less and less engaged in my families life everyday, and more and more resentful of some of them as the day goes on.
I have great wonderful amazing friends, but get upset if they dont come around or call to invite me places, but I never seem to make that first call to invite them.
I avoid phone calls that I dont recognize the number (or more likley I do) because I dont want to deal with the bill collectors. I have tried a budget only to spend money at the local fast food place, because I am to lazy to make dinner.
I have submitted part of my licensure and spoke about returning to school for at least a year now.
I have also talked about teaching and needing to address the specific skills I need to present, but have not yet taken the steps to make this go into motion. (another idea that has been out there for at least a year).
I really need to get a physical, a mammy, my eyes checked, see a dentist and hit the gym. (All that have been put off for at least a year plus).
I have reported that I am going to make my CTMH business more successful and now I am pending D/C due ot lack of sales.
I put off, postpone, convenently forget, sleep through, avoid, dodge, and throw my hands up to almost everything in my life. This is no longer becoming a problem if....IT IS!