Entering 2011

Reflecting back on 2010 as I enter a New Year: Last year I was in such a different place, I wouldn't say a better place, or a less fortunate place, just a different place. I recall that I intentionally decided that I would not make any resolutions for 2010, and for the most part, I lived up to that. My thought process at the time was that I never seem to meet those outrageous goals I set for myself on the EVE of December 31st, so why put so much pressure on myself? Thing is I think we all have to have some goals for our lives, otherwise we just surrender to what is. Although I am a firm believer in acceptance, I accept that there are things out of my control but I have taken on so much acceptance over the last year, that I have simply accepted that this is the way things are. I have surrendered to the acceptance that things will not change, and I might as well just get used to it instead of making a change in myself to do what needs to be done. I do not know where/when I became so complacent but I am not where I want to be in my life right now, and so the resolutions need to start now. #1. I will no longer feel or act as if I sleep, eat, and work. My job does not define me. I will no longer look to people who cannot provide me with self worth as a measuring tool of my value. If I am dissatisfied with my job, then I must make it work to my benefit or look elsewhere. #2. I will take time out for what brings me pleasure. I only have me for the rest of my life, why should I short change what I find to be important for others? I will not feel guilty if I take my full hour lunch, I will give myself the freedom to enjoy my scrapping, take trips, spend time with family and friends, make time to do what I want to do, and be okay with the decision to do so. #3. I will not be fearful. I will no longer be intimidated by what others think of me. More so I will not project what I believe others will think of me. My fear has had such a tight chock hold over me this past year that I have been suffocating and dying inside. I have missed opportunities to voice my opinion, take a stand, stiffened my spirit. I am drowning in my fear. #4. I will take care of myself. I have been ill more times this past year then I have ever been in my entire life. I have gained more weight in this last year, for the exception of pregnancy, then I have in my entire life. I have been more lazy and felt more non-productive then I have ever in my whole life. I need to take care of myself or I'm not gonna have a life. This means I need to get to medical appointments, get to the gym, eat better, and not fall into the couch once I get home from work. It MEANS balance. #5. I will be more available to my family and friends. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met. He has and will support my craziest plans. I have four great kids, that i love with all my heart. I have some of the most wonderful friends. I have not been the best wife to this man, and I have been an absent parent to my kids, giving them the bare minimum of my attention. Some of my bestest friends I have not seen or spoken with since last year. In 2011 I will let then all know just how important they are to me. #6. I will be attentive to my finances. In 2011 i will be aware of where my money goes and just how much I spend. No more denial. This defect of character has haunted me for way to many years. I must learn to be accountable for my role in where the money goes. #7. I will get my CTMH business up and running again. Not having enough time is no longer an excuse. I had all the time in the world last Jan. Feb. March, and April...what was my excuse back then? #8. I will continue to further my awareness and education. I have postpone obtaining my license feeling that if the NY state insurance companies will not recognize it, then why bother. But I need to finaliuze that part of my degree. I need to get my license. I also need to sustain my certification, and continue to be aware of new ideas in my field. #9. I will do what I say I am going to do. No more indifference. I have waffelled in my decisions about this or that for so long that I can't seem to make a decision. In 2011 when I say it I will mean it. #10. I will give myself permission to fail. I have not always taken a risk, or gone the extra mile or even made resolutions out of the fear of failure. I recognize this is a long list, and I probally wont meet all of the expectations on it all of the time, and that is okay. I will allow myself to make a mistake and give myself permission to move on.

busy trying to get that CTMH umph!!!

So I came back from CTMH convention ready to GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Just as the last, I was out the gate in the lead and runnen fast!!! Had a plan...yep that is right...that was going to be me up on that stage next year in California....and I was absolutely going to WIN that trip to Hawaii. I was in the lead pushing up on the wire, spent the entire ride back from DC planning, developing in my mind, calculating the figures, jotting down sketches, planning party dates months in advance, ....the Ultimate plan, then once that pretty new gold and green bag hit the livingroom floor...the race was over. I looked around and NO I was not in first, I wasn't even a close 2nd.....there I was no longer in the RACE!!! So I am trying to get back in the running. Decided that although it would be nice to be on that CTMH stage, and who wouldn't want a trip to Hawaii, I need to stop doing this to myself. Although I'd like to think of myself as a Thoroughbred, breed with speed and expertise, I have to get real and admit that I do my worst when I set the bar to high. Now, that does not mean that I have no goals, I just need not shoot for the moon. So I have started a new approach....slow and steady wins the race...just ask the tortoise....for the hare lost the run. I have begun my race with initially getting my status from jr to consultant...yeah...now I am back in wit the big boys, and although I was discouraged that two big parties that we planned backed out...I did have one successful party, meet with my upline and developed a realistic plan, and look forward to my very first ever hostess party where I do not have one of my dear friends there to hold my hand. Ok...maybe look forward is not the right word....as I am terrified...but I am hopeful. So as I step into another chapter of my life...i will read slow, and consume the dialect pace myself and take each step in stride....perhaps maybe I still will be on that stage in California next summer.

is it.. that I can never be statisfied..right where I am?

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted anything and perhaps even longer that I have been awake at 4am to have the time to post anything. In May I was unemployed and feeling; shall we say...... useless in that capacity...and desperate to find employment...Now in August, fully employed, I am feeling the sour grapes of my unemployed poor me's as I daily question the DREAD of dragging myself off to a job, that has proven to lack the luster that called to me on those days with desperation in my eyes, the terms of acceptance to most anything dished out and the same pain of "uselessness" I was so determined to escape. Now I find myself longing the time to be creative, go to the gym, spend an entire day playing with the kids, getting healthy, etc. I kick myself, that I recall in those last few months of unemployed woes...how much time was spent...feeling sorry for myself, playing hours upon hours on facebook, looking hopelessly at the piles of laundry that should have been done or the weekly schedules planned weeks in advance to attend to a gym routine never to unfold....and I remember that I thought just finding a job would answer all of my prayers, that somehow I would again feel satisfied. Still unsatisfied....perhaps less depressed, but certainly not satisfied.... I wonder......is it....that I can never be satisfied .....right where I am?

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CTMH appriciation sale

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CAMPOREE

what a busy weekend...This was my son's camporee for scouts. he was the only tiger in his pack to go on this EVERYTHING boy scouts weekend. Needless to say it was COLD, COLD, COLD...and no, I am not a boy scout and neither is my husband...so we were not BOY SCOUT prepared for the harsh environment...we didn't even have plates,cups or sliver wear to eat with. We did survive just the same...but well noted for future reference...warmer clothing, warmer sleeping bags and a mess kit is a must. We did have a state of the art tent...and I had to bring my full sized air mattress. When searching for a pump (which we did forget) I was told..."This isn't the GIRL SCOUTS..we sleep on the ground." again duly noted for future reference (MAKE SURE AIR PUMP IS IN SUPPLIES). The boys had a great time despite the cold, there was archery, bb shoot, monkey bridge, bottle rocket launch, a band, fireworks, and a whole host of activities. We had a really great time.